


Move On and Recover

by hmweasley



Series: The "Recover" Stories [2]
Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-03-05 10:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 45,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3117512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hmweasley/pseuds/hmweasley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gale and Johanna both wanted to escape their home districts, and a military job in District 2 seemed the easiest way to do that. They hadn't been expecting to run into each other there, and they certainly weren't expecting to come to rely on each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Confusion

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a "companion" story of sorts to my previous story Rebuild and Recover. That story follows Katniss and Peeta for roughly two years after Mockingjay. This story is going to follow Gale and Johanna during that same time frame. There are about three points where the stories will overlap. If you've read Rebuild and Recover, you probably know what those three points are, and they give you some hints as to where this story is going. But the two stories aren't heavily reliant on each other, and they can each be read completely independently of each other. Nothing about Rebuild and Recover gives you a whole lot of background for this story. Just some hints.
> 
> Just like with Rebuild and Recover, this story came out of the Hunger Games 100 theme challenge. This is my fourth story for that challenge, and each chapter is centered around one of the themes. This story actually concludes the challenge for me, which I've been working on for several years. It feels amazing to be done.
> 
> Finally, I would really like to thank my amazing beta readers HungryForMore74 and Eira Lloyd from fanfiction.net who helped make this story much better than it would have been otherwise. I don't like putting author's notes unless I really need to, so just know that that thank you applies to the story as a whole.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy, and I'll shut up now and get to the story!

_“It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things.” - Theodore Roosevelt_

_“There is one consolation in being sick; and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before.” - Henry David Thoreau_

Chapter 1: Confusion

_“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.” - Henri Nouwen_

Gale glanced around the plain, white building. Its newness was betrayed in the fresh paint smell, if not in the overly clean look of it all. District 2 hadn’t fared too well in the rebellion there at the end. It was definitely a good thing. The military could have a bit of a fresh start now with entirely new buildings as well as a more diverse make up with soldiers from all of the districts.

So far, the workforce seemed heavy with District 2 and 13 citizens, but Gale had seen people from every district since he arrived several days ago. A few even looked like they were from the Capitol with their extravagant dress, and Gale was looking forward to seeing how they reacted when their fashion was taken from them and replaced with the standard military-issued fare. That might kill them before the manual labor.

Most of the future soldiers milling about were here to be ordinary soldiers. Very few were lucky enough to have a position like Gale, who had been made a weapons specialist immediately upon entry. He wasn’t high up on the military ladder in the grand scheme of things, but it was a good enough position to grant him a bit more freedom than those underneath him. One of those freedoms was his own private lodging instead of the barracks that the privates had to live in for the duration of their training and which many of them would stay in afterwards.

Even with the private room, Gale had spent a lot of his free time so far out here in one of the common areas of their housing. It was easier to observe others than be alone with his thoughts. It helped that he didn’t have a lot of free time. He spent more hours working than what was required of him. Those long hours also meant he hadn’t made many friends yet, and no one who was milling around on their off hours were willing to approach him either. Gale wondered if they recognized him or were just off put by his outward demeanor.

Gale was startled from his thoughts when someone plopped down in the chair next to him. He’d been so occupied with watching a rowdy group playing some sort of game that he hadn’t even noticed he was being approached. Gale was startled even more when he took in the form of Johanna Mason smirking at him.

“You should close your mouth, Hawthorne. Don’t want any flies to fly in.”

“What are you doing here?” Gale asked before he could even take in her uniform or the specialist insignia that she wore.

“I work here, like you.”

“Doing what exactly?”

Gale was completely aware of what had happened the last time Johanna had been a soldier. It hadn’t ended well, and he had no idea how she’d been allowed back into a uniform. She should have been disqualified for poor mental health.

“Public relations specialist,” she grumbled. “It was the only thing they’d let me do. I’m not allowed in combat, but they’ll let me smile at people and give the army a good name. It’s all a bit too Capitol-like for my tastes.”

“Then why are you here?”

Johanna shrugged, propping her feet on the table that rested in front of them. “I don’t like failing. I couldn’t be a soldier once, so I was determined to try again, even if I don’t see combat. It’s sort of a ‘fuck you’ thing to the military.”

Gale couldn’t help a small smile. “I bet they love that.”

“Plus, there’s the whole fresh start thing. I never saw much of District 2 before this. Less painful memories, even if most of what I see is a military compound.”

So she was in a similar situation to Gale. Maybe Gale’s previous foray as a soldier had been more successful than hers, but they were both running from their home districts. Gale thought of his family and Katniss who had all returned to District 12. Did Johanna have people she was avoiding too or was it only ghosts?

Gale took a moment to really take in Johanna’s appearance. It was the first time he’d seen her close up and been able to talk since District 13 when she broke down after being sprayed with water. They’d been in the Capitol together once their side won the rebellion but hadn’t actually come into contact. Gale had only managed to see her from far away. She looked cleaner now, and Gale wondered if she’d begun to overcome her fears of water.

Johanna did seem very well put together. She had clearly taken the pains to present herself as such, but Gale could still see the hint of pain in her eyes and the slight twitch of her hands that hinted at hidden anxiety.

Gale had come to District 2 hoping to escape all the reminders of his past, yet here was Johanna Mason, one of the few people who could have been considered a friend of Katniss Everdeen. It seemed like a cruel irony, and it seemed even crueler that Gale was thankful for her presence. This was the closest thing to a non-work-related conversation that Gale had had in days.

Johanna’s twitching increased the longer she sat next to Gale, and finally, she couldn’t bear the awkward pauses any longer. She stood up abruptly and looked down at Gale with a frown.

“I need to go. Things to do.” She waved awkwardly, not staying to hear Gale’s goodbyes.

She managed to make it all the way back to her room without any incidents, and she slid down the door as soon as it was closed behind her. Johanna had known that Gale was in District 2, but the military compound here was massive. She’d hoped they wouldn’t run into each other and she could push the reminders he brought up aside. Then she’d seen him sitting there and been unable to stop herself from approaching him. It would have been so easy to just keep walking and not speak to him, but she hadn’t. She growled in frustration with herself.

Johanna tried to be brave to the outside world, but she’d given up being brave to herself a long time ago. That’s why she hadn’t bothered justifying such an obvious act of cowardice as moving away from District 7. The military job had seemed like a convenient excuse to others, and she took it even though she knew it would continue to hold painful memories close to her. Nothing could be as bad as District 7 or the Capitol. She hadn’t known about Gale Hawthorne being here until she’d already accepted the job, but she thought she would have taken it regardless.

That didn’t make looking him in the face any easier. He had a similar look to Katniss, which seemed to be the same look of the majority of people Johanna met from District 12, and Johanna often saw Katniss when she looked at him. There were few people living who could dredge up as many painful memories for Johanna as Katniss Everdeen could.

She supposed the girl shouldn’t, and on a logical level, she knew she didn’t have anything to blame Katniss for. In fact, she was thankful for the end to the terrible cycle of the games both in and out of arenas, and she would always be thankful for the ways Katniss helped her back in District 13. None of that meant Johanna had an easy time looking the girl in the face.

Not being able to look at Gale was even more ridiculous considering he wasn’t Katniss, and Johanna could name a million differences in their appearances without searching for them. The man himself didn’t bring up any terrible feelings. Johanna knew he’d designed the bomb that killed Katniss’s sister, and she was smart enough to guess that that had at least a small bit to do with his decision to take the job here in District 2 instead of returning home. But none of that had really affected her as she’d been stuck back in District 13 during all of it. No, what bothered her was his similarity to Katniss, not even his former friendship with her. It all struck Johanna as rather ridiculous.

Now he knew she was here, and Johanna figured she’d be seeing more of him in the future. The thought left her with a sick feeling in her stomach. She could only hope that this made her stronger in the long run.


	2. Freedom

_“There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.” - Nelson Mandela_

Gale ran his hand over his face. He’d been staring at blueprints for hours, and the lines were beginning to blur in front of him. It was nearly impossible to make any of it out.

Everyone else had gone back to their lodgings, whether it was barracks or private rooms, hours ago. Only Gale remained in the room where the weapons specialists all did their jobs. It wasn’t that unlike the similar area housed in District 13. Or that used to be housed in District 13. Gale wasn’t sure what the area looked like now that District 13’s military had merged with Panem’s here in District 2, leaving only a small base back in District 13.

Papers and tablets littered almost every table in the room with the rest being scattered with weapon prototypes and the like. Gale’s job was centered around explosives, but weapons of all types were designed in here. Their job was a slow one, extremely unlike how Gale had been used to operating in District 13. Now that Panem was at peace, there wasn’t a huge demand for weapons. Paylor, now president, had requested for weapon development to continue, but there was nothing of incredible importance to be hurried along. For that reason, most of Gale’s colleagues took it easy and weren’t much bothered by the slow pace. It drove Gale insane.

At the beginning of his work here in District 2, Gale had been hesitant about doing the very thing he’d been hired to do. He’d distrusted Panem his entire life after all, and after placing his trust in District 13 and the rebellion, had been betrayed in an even more intimate way than he ever had been the Capitol when Coin used a bomb of his own design for a means he had never intended from it. Now, here he was, designing weapons for the government again.

Gale did trust Paylor though, and as president, she remained the final authority over military operations. She was a good woman, and one who had only ever wanted the military’s existence to protect the freedom of the people. Paylor’s idealism didn’t seem to hide a secret desire for power. She was where she was because of her ideas of what Panem should be and the knowledge that, if someone had to guide the country, she might as well step up to make sure it was done correctly. Under her authority, Gale had slowly begun to grow more trusting of the military that was receiving his weapons.

Most of the officers had also been a part of either Panem’s, the rebellion’s, or District 13’s army, but the vast majority did nothing but accept orders. They had no desire for domination or harming citizens. Under the command of a peaceful government, they had no desire to use their weapons needlessly. If they used any of Gale’s designs, it would be because it was necessary, and it was good that Gale was beginning to believe that. He thought it was necessary for his mental well-being.

Gale wasn’t against the use of force. He fully acknowledged that sometimes you had to kill in order to get the intended results, and if the results could outweigh the means, then you just had to go for it. Prim’s death had been a wake up call to evaluate such an outlook. It was, after all, the same outlook Coin had shared, and that had resulted in an innocent girl that Gale had watched grow up being blown to shreds.

That should have been enough to make Gale do a 180, but it hadn’t been. There was still this part deep inside of him that couldn’t stop believing that sometimes killing was necessary in order to win as long as you intended to create a better world. Gale would have never dropped the bomb that killed Prim if he’d been in control. That was going too far, but he still saw Coin’s outlook far too well. He knew why she did what she did, and he couldn’t fault her too much for it even though it was a decision he never would have made himself.

That, more than anything, was why he’d escaped District 12. It was tough to face your best friend when you had thoughts that justified her little sister’s murder. That left him feeling even more guilt than just being one of those who designed the bomb that had done the deed.

Gale pushed those thoughts aside quickly, just as he always did. This was why he spent so much time wrapped up in his work. It was mind-numbing to only focus on the abstract of creating the weapons. That job didn’t have to involve any thoughts of the morality behind their use. Gale enjoyed the technical aspects of it all and the strategy involved in planning how they would work. He could think of that all day and not once raise the question of what it would be like for one of these to actually be used. Those thoughts took him to dark places.

Besides, Gale thought yet again, none of that mattered. They were at peace. No one was dropping any bombs. These were just precautionary. He didn’t have to worry about anyone dying. That didn’t happen anymore. They were at peace. If something were to happen, then the weapons would be there to assure that the people of Panem got to keep their freedom and well-being. Those were what these were for. They didn’t have to bring terror. But, Gale reminded himself, they were at peace, and none of that mattered.


	3. Joy

_“Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.” - Mark Twain_

The people weren’t happy about the military having any sort of large explosives after the tragedy they had witnessed during the rebellion. In fact, a lot of people weren’t happy about the military’s existence, and Johanna’s job consisted of trying to placate those people and assure them that a functioning government needed a military. A sentiment she wasn’t sure she shared herself.

Recently, the call for Panem to unarm had been particularly loud. One man was leading the movement. Some Douglas or something guy. Johanna only bothered to remember the name when not doing so could result in her being fired. He’d built up quite a loud crowd, and now Johanna had been given an assignment to give all the bombs in Panem’s arsenal a better image.

As soon as Johanna’s job had become pushing the message “bombs equal good things” she’d known what, or who, that would entail. She’d avoided Hawthorne for roughly two months now, and it would be for nothing thanks to this assignment. They were supposed to work together since Johanna knew nothing of these weapons, and Gale knew everything about every bomb that Panem had. At least it seemed that way to Johanna. He seemed to have designed every single one or at least have been part of the team who did, but Johanna couldn’t say that with certainty. Maybe she should check that as part of her research.

Using the “these were designed by the Mockingjay’s best friend” card couldn’t hurt. Sure Katniss had technically started an entire war, but for some reason, all these anti-war people still saw the Mockingjay as a symbol of peace. Johanna thought they were all nuts even if she could empathize with them on some points.

Johanna paused outside the door that led to Gale’s workplace. Only authorized personnel were allowed in here, and Johanna had only become authorized earlier that day. She still couldn’t actually get to any of the weapons, only the areas where some plans and designs were laying about. Those were almost as dangerous in the wrong hands.

There were private offices off of the large, open work areas that people filled, and Johanna wondered briefly if Gale was distinguished enough to get one of those. She hadn’t been told to go to an office, only this particular area, and she was starting to worry that she’d have to wander around looking for Gale when she spotted him at a large table across the room.

There was no one else in the area immediately around him. Gale was hunched over a large sheet of paper with some sort of computer tablet also at his side. He kept glancing between the two as Johanna approached, occasionally clicking something on the tablet or scribbling something down on the paper.

Once she was standing over him, Johanna cleared her throat. Gale didn’t look surprised that someone was standing over him, but Johanna supposed it was normal in a communal workplace such as this.

“I knew it would be you they’d send,” Gale commented, turning back to the tablet.

“They didn’t give you my name? Because I was told specifically to find Gale Hawthorne.”

Gale shook his head. “All they said was that I’d be working with someone from PR and PR would send them down today.”

“Yet you knew it would be me.”

Gale shrugged. “I had a feeling that day after you sat down next to me that we were never going to actually escape each other. You’ve been avoiding me for a couple of months, so we had to see each other again eventually.”

From the way he talked, Johanna almost thought Gale had specifically asked for her in order to make her miserable. Her presence didn’t seem to have the same effect on him that he had on her.

“I guess,” Johanna allowed. “The universe seems to hate me like that.”

“Don’t tell me you’re one of those fate people.”

Johanna smirked. “Do I seem like one of those ‘fate people’?”

“No, that’s exactly why it would be disappointing if you were.”

He was still looking between the tablet and the paper covered in drawings which made no sense to Johanna, but he seemed far less absorbed in it than he had been before Johanna approached.

“Do I think there’s a higher power up there watching over our lives? No. Do I think the entire universe is designed to screw everyone over because the world is a cruel, cruel place? Yes.”

“That I could agree with.” Gale pushed his tablet aside, finally giving Johanna his full attention. “So, all I know is that I’m supposed to give you the information you need to make our weapons look good, and you’re doing the rest.”

Johanna sighed. “Unfortunately.”

“What do you need to know then?”

Johanna frowned as she thought about it. “I have no idea where to start. I don’t know the first thing about explosives. I can hardly even use a gun. Give me sharp things that I can stab people with, I’m good to go, but I don’t know what to ask about bombs.”

It was hard for Johanna to admit openly that she was inferior to Hawthorne on a subject, but he didn’t seem determined to rub it in her face, even if he didn’t bother to conceal his slight smirk.

“Okay then,” he said. “How about we start with a brief overview of some of the different bombs we have? Then you’ll have some idea of what we’re talking about.”

“Sounds like as good of an idea as any.”

Johanna listened intently as Gale held the tablet in front of her and showed her different prototypes of bombs housed in this compound. It was clear as Gale talked that he was proud of these. Johanna thought maybe she could work that into her report somehow. If Gale was the one talking, it would be hard to see how bombs could be inherently bad.

For four days in a row, Johanna came back to see Gale at the same time every day. She took pages and pages of notes on both the weapons and how she could give them some positive PR. To Johanna’s surprise, the time spent with Gale became much easier than she could have imagined. The more time she spent with Gale, the less she saw Katniss whenever she looked at him. They really looked nothing alike, and the similar mannerisms she thought she had sensed before seemed to give way to entirely new ones unique to Gale.

It helped that she’d now talked to Gale more in the past week than she had anyone else since arriving in District 2. Other than Annie all the way in District 4, Johanna didn’t have anyone to call a friend at the moment, so of course any sort of prolonged contact would result in Johanna getting far too attached.

To be fair, others wouldn’t consider it too attached. Forming friendships was normal to most. For Johanna, friends were something you lost, and she didn’t let herself find them that often, yet the more time she spent with Gale, the more she realized that having someone to talk to could be nice. Now seemed like a safer time for friendship than ever before.

By the end of the week, Johanna was starting to formulate a plan for the report back to her superiors about the weapons. She had a plan that she would present, and hopefully it would be enough. All she needed to do was put it together coherently for others.

“I think that’s everything I need,” Johanna concluded as she began gathering up her things that lay scattered across the table. “I’ll let you know if there’s any more information we need later, but for right now, I’m good.”

Gale nodded, not saying anything as he watched her stand up. Johanna made it ten steps across the room before Gale’s voice stopped her.

“Johanna, wait.”

Johanna paused, hesitating for a moment before turning around to look at Gale again. He frowned at her, not sure why he had stopped her. Johanna could see how difficult this was for him from the way his forehead creased and mouth twitched.

Gale finally continued. “I don’t have many friends here, and I’m willing to bet you’re in a similar position. And as much as I absolutely hate admitting this, you’re not that bad, Mason, so I just wanted to let you know that, if you’re interested in becoming friends, then, uh yeah, I’m here.”

He’d turned a light pink by now. A color Johanna remembered from the first time they’d met and she’d managed to embarrass him. Johanna smirked in amusement. Gale Hawthorne didn’t let himself get flustered often, but he didn’t know how to handle this. Johanna pretended to debate her answer before speaking.

“I suppose I could put up with you sometimes. Not too often though.”

“Of course not.”

Johanna laughed, a rare sound, and raised her hand up to wave. “Bye, Hawthorne.”

“Bye, Johanna.”

It was the closest thing to contentedness Johanna could remember feeling in years.


	4. Time

_“Time and tide wait for no man.” - Geoffrey Chaucer_

October had always been Johanna’s favorite month of the year. She liked the crisp chill that the air held. It was just the right amount of warm and cold. She hadn’t been sure that it would be the same here in District 2 because of the district’s location farther south. It was true that this wasn’t the exact October weather she was had always experienced in the past, but Johanna should have taken their location in the mountains into consideration. It definitely felt like October.

Johanna stared up at the sky. No matter how similar District 2’s military compound and District 13 were in some respects, the ability to go outside would always make District 2 Johanna’s favorite between the two. No one else was around. The soldiers who had been training when Johanna came out here had finished up fifteen minutes ago and left without noticing Johanna’s presence off to the side of the yard.

Things around here had slowed down as the weather got colder. Johanna could hear a few birds chirping and branches swaying in the breeze but little else. Johanna looked up at the tree branches she could see. It wasn’t difficult since a lot of them were obscuring her view of the sky. They looked so off to her. It didn’t matter how much time she spent away from District 7, any tree that wasn’t an evergreen would always seem odd to her.

Johanna pictured the towering pines she’d grown up with. She supposed she could be imagining it, but she always thought they were taller than trees anywhere else in Panem once she’d actually gotten the chance to see those in person as well. The pines looked elegant and regal, as if they were well put together. Other trees just looked messy to Johanna. Their leaves grew all over the place and not as neatly as pine needles. They also looked terribly ugly every winter while they were bare.

The only compliment Johanna would give these trees is that the colors they turned during the autumn were beautiful, and that was why Johanna was out here staring up at them. She was fascinated by the different colors surrounding her. Her trips out of District 7 had always happened during the summer when everything was green or the winter when everything was dead. She’d never witnessed autumn with deciduous trees before. Not in person. If they looked like this year-round, they could almost surpass evergreens in beauty.

Johanna knew this wasn’t permanent, which was what ruined it all. Back in District 7, the trees would stay green, and come winter, they would look far more beautiful covered in snow than these trees would. Johanna thought back to all the winters when she’d watched the trees around her and been thankful that they didn’t die like the trees in other places. When she was younger, Johanna had considered that a sign of her district’s superiority. It was nice to know that the trees didn’t die annually because she had to watch too many of them die anyway as they were chopped down for lumber. The smaller ones that were planted in their place would never be the same in Johanna’s lifetime.

One thing Johanna was thankful for when it came to her childhood, and this was just about the only thing she was thankful for, was that she got to spend it amongst the trees. With the rate the trees were chopped down, new ones were constantly beings planted, and that meant that no space was spared. If there was somewhere to plant a tree, a tree was planted. Because of that, District 7 wasn’t cut off from any woods that may have grown by fences like every other district she’d visited. The only real comparison was the orchards of District 11, but even that wasn’t the same since it was only small portions of the district and no one lived amongst them. Besides, orchard trees weren’t like pine trees. They stayed short, low to the ground and largely unimpressive.

Almost every memory of Johanna’s childhood had taken place in close proximity to trees, so in order to truly escape, Johanna probably should have gone somewhere with no trees at all. Instead, she’d wound up in the mountains at a military compound surrounded by trees. She could have done better.

Johanna propped herself up on her elbows to look at the trunk of the nearest tree. It was thick. Far thicker than the trunks of most of the pine trees she’d seen. She thought back to the rings you always found once you chopped a tree down. Johanna knew that these trees probably had far more than any tree Johanna had seen. Pines in District 7 only grew until they were needed. There was no way of knowing how old these trees were. They probably had countless rings. They might have seen Panem before it was even Panem for all Johanna knew.

These trees knew the past of those around them. The trees Johanna grew up around weren’t quite so knowledgeable. Sure, if they could talk, there would be some pines who could tell you bits and pieces of Johanna’s life, but they wouldn’t go much farther back than that. Johanna had liked that temporariness as a kid. It had led her to make a lot of huge confessions to trees, but there was something nice about the idea of trees that had seen time pass around them.

Knowing so little about these sorts of trees, Johanna wasn’t sure how long the ones around her would have been alive, but they seemed to give off an ancient sort of feel as if they had always been here. They’d seen a variety of governments and countless more people, Johanna was sure. She’d never been one for history, not wanting to dwell on the past, but she thought she would make an exception if she could talk to one of these trees. It would be nice to be taken away to the faraway past of this land. A past far more removed from Johanna, and one that didn’t seem to constantly be stabbing her in the chest. Because as many problems as the past may have had, Johanna struggled to believe it could be as terrible as what she felt now.


	5. Warmth

_“Home, more than anything, means warmth and bed.” - Vivienne Westwood_

Why did a public affairs specialist need to know survival skills? Gale had been wondering about it ever since he found out who he would be going out into the mountains with. It was a typical procedure: soldiers would regularly be sent out into the surrounding mountains for a predetermined period of time in order to make sure their skills were up to par if they were to wind up stranded and unable to communicate with anyone.

They always did this in varying numbers and with varying people. This time Gale was being sent out with one other soldier: Johanna Mason.

It had been roughly two months since they began considering each other friends, and over the course of those two months, they had been spending some of their time together. It wasn’t much, but it was more than what Gale spent with anyone else. He thought the higher officers around them must have been picking up on it too because that was the only way Gale could figure they would be paired off for something twice in such close succession. There were too many soldiers here for it to be random.

Gale crossed his arms as he leaned against the cement wall, watching the doorway he knew both Johanna and the officer in charge of them would likely exit from. They’d be alone in the woods, but an officer had been assigned to prep them and as an emergency contact. This trip was only meant to last one night, and Gale thought that had a lot of do with Johanna. She would never be seeing combat, even if they unexpectedly went to war, after all. This was mostly just a precaution. Something called for by military protocol.

The officer and Johanna came out at the same time, and Gale got the distinct impression that something had been said to Johanna already. She was frowning, and it didn’t seem to be in anticipation of their wilderness trip. Something else was preoccupying her.

“Gale Hawthorne,” the officer stated. Gale couldn’t figure out if she was making sure she had the right soldier or was greeting him.

He just nodded his head in order to respond to either scenario.

“The two of you already know what’s about to happen, but protocol states that I must rehash it all to you anyway. I’m driving the two of you to a predetermined spot in the mountains. Based on the fitness levels of each of you, it should be a twenty-four hour journey back to camp. You will be given everything you need in order to find your way back here. You will also be given some tools for your survival. If there is an emergency, you will be able to contact me, but that option is only to be used in a life or death situation.

“I must make sure you’re aware that using your emergency contact could result in you losing your jobs if you are determined to have used it in a false emergency. Any questions?”

“No, sir,” Gale and Johanna both stated.

“Good. Follow me to the hovercraft.”

The ride in the hovercraft wasn’t long as they soared above the treeline. Gale watched closely out of the window, hoping to pick up a few clues on how to get back to the base, even though he knew things would look entirely different from the ground. The officer was brief about any final directions once they landed. She stepped off the hovercraft with Gale and Johanna but only to hand them the few tools they could use and remind them of the rules once more. Then she was climbing back into the vehicle and flying away. Gale watched as she flew in a direction different from the one they had come in to assure that they didn’t follow her as far as they could. On a tougher mission, they probably would have been blindfolded all the way here or at least kept from any windows, but Gale knew that had been the officer’s way of getting them on the right start.

Once the hovercraft was out of sight, Gale turned towards Johanna, who was staring up at the sky in a completely different direction than the hovercraft had gone with a frown on her face.

“It’s not supposed to rain,” Gale reminded her, although she’d no doubt looked at the weather forecast herself.

Johanna jumped and looked at Gale with wide eyes. She couldn’t expect him to not know about what happened in District 13. Everyone did.

“I know,” she said, trying to appear as if the thought of rain wouldn’t bother her anymore. “They did that on purpose I’d imagine, which is weird considering what District 13 was like.”

“They were sending you into a warzone then,” Gale said as he began leading the way in the direction he knew the base resided. “Now we’re at peace. They can afford to be a little nicer. You’d never wind up on the frontlines anyway. They’d make sure of that.”

Gale heard Johanna scoff behind him. “You talk as if I’d still completely lose it if I got hit with a bit of water.”

“Would you?” Gale glanced back at her but didn’t stop walking. He wanted to make good time.

“Of course not. I’ve worked on it.”

“You’re not scared of water at all? Because you know that it’s okay to have a fear or two, right?”

Johanna let out a frustrated noise. “But I’m not.”

Gale thought back to the dirt that had covered Johanna’s skin back in District 13. There was no denying that she looked cleaner these days. She had to be washing herself somehow. Still, Gale didn’t buy her claims to be completely over her fear. You didn’t recover from torture that quickly.

He dropped the subject, not expecting Johanna to tell him the truth. Most of their journey that day happened in silence. They made good time. Both knew how to survive on their own, so they encountered little difficulty. Just before nightfall, Gale ascertained that they were near enough to the base that it would be an easy trip the next morning. They stopped and set to work creating a fire. Johanna was ill at ease in front of the flames. She kept glancing behind her as if her senses were working in overdrive. It was the fire, Gale thought. This situation wasn’t unlike the arena except there was no one trying to kill them and no cameras. Johanna couldn’t push away the feeling that someone was lurking out there planning to hurt them, and the fire just exacerbated those fears. They would have been easily detectable if they were in the games.

If it had been warmer, Gale would have put it out to help her feel better, but the chill of the November night had set in. They wouldn’t freeze to death without it, but Gale didn’t think they’d get much sleep.

Gale watched Johanna as they laid down for the night. Her eyes were wide open, glancing around her while she tried to disguise doing so from Gale. Gale sighed and broke the long-standing silence.

“Are you going to be able to get any sleep with this fire going?”

Johanna jumped at the sound of his voice and turned to glare at him. “I’m fine.”

“You can’t even close your eyes.”

“I can. I’m just thinking.”

“Right.”

“Shut it, Hawthorne.”

“Mason, do you want me to put the fire out? Yes or no?”

Johanna considered it for a minute before saying, “It’s cold.”

“I know,” Gale said with a bit of regret about offering.

“If you think you’d be okay with the cold.”

Gale didn’t think he would be okay with the cold, but he got up and doused the fire out anyway. He could no longer see Johanna when he laid back down, but he could hear her breathing relax now that the fire was no longer crackling.

The chill came back immediately, and Gale clutched at the jacket he wore. The one blanket he’d been able to pack wasn’t enough to insulate him from the cold. It wasn’t long before he could hear Johanna shivering as well.

“Regretting losing the fire, Mason?”

“I can live with this,” she retorted.

He didn’t doubt that, but he also didn’t doubt that she was as uncomfortable and rigid as he was right now. They wouldn’t be able to sleep while their bodies used this much energy to stay warm.

“You sure you don’t want to be warm?” Gale asked.

“Of course I want to be warm, Hawthorne, but that doesn’t mean I can’t survive with a little cold. Now shut up and sleep, or we’ll both regret it tomorrow.”

Gale sighed. She was right, but it was difficult to sleep when you couldn’t stop shivering long enough for your body to relax. All he wanted to do was move around to generate more body heat.

“Mason, you know, if we were next to each other, it wouldn’t be so cold.” Gale stumbled over the words, already envisioning Johanna’s dismissal of the idea, but he figured he had to put it out there. He was desperate for just about anything that could provide warmth right now.

It was quiet for a few moments as Gale’s suggestion hovered in the air. Then, Gale could make out Johanna standing and gathering her blanket.

“Fine,” she said. “But no unnecessary touching, Hawthorne.”

“Of course not,” Gale said as if he wasn’t terrified about what Johanna would do if he so much as brushed against her on accident.

Johanna threw her blanket on the ground, motioning for Gale to lay on it before she settled down herself with several inches between them. Gale didn’t say anything, just laid there as she hesitantly scooted closer. She stopped once their arms were pressing against each other through their coats. It wasn’t doing much to provide body heat, but Gale figured it was better than nothing. He draped his blanket over both of them. It really wasn’t large enough to cover two people, but they eventually managed, pressing even closer together.

By the time Gale managed to fall asleep, Johanna’s body was pressed completely up against his own, and her breathing had become shallow, indicating she’d already reached sleep. He wondered how long it had been since she’d touched someone like this, and he felt a pang of sympathy for her. She’d been through so much, and her ability to act tough continually impressed him. He wished she would open up her shell a bit more at times because he couldn’t shake the feeling that it hurt her to stay so removed from others.

Gale moved his hand slightly to find Johanna’s and offered it a slight squeeze before he drifted off into sleep himself.


	6. Insomnia

_“Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking.” - Clifton Fadiman_

Johanna growled for the millionth time in the past fifteen minutes. Why couldn’t she just close her eyes and sleep? People did it all the time. They did it at least once daily. It was supposed to be a natural thing, something your body just did. But not Johanna’s. Johanna’s mind had to immediately go into overdrive as soon as she even thought about closing her eyes. It wouldn’t shut down. Her body wouldn’t relax.

This wasn’t a new problem. It had been a struggle since her first games years ago. Other victors had nightmares that made them dread sleep, but not all of them had the complete and utter inability to fall asleep that Johanna suffered from almost nightly.

She had sleeping pills somewhere. They were given to her on a regular basis with strict instructions to take them on nights like these. Every single one of those pills she’d been given since arriving in District 2 were scattered in bottles across her room. Not one of them had been taken.

She hated the drugs. There was no way Johanna was going to take something that altered her mind, even if it was in a way that helped. Her brain could work on its own. No drugs that affected her mentally were going in her body again unless she was at risk of death. She’d take the insomnia over them.

With another growl, Johanna kicked the covers to the foot of the bed. It was December, but somehow they’d been stifling her.

She laid there for another few minutes that felt like hours before she was unable to take it anymore and got up to move around. The bed was driving her crazy.

Johanna wasn’t sure when she made the decision, but somehow she was wandering down the hallway still dressed in an oversized t-shirt and nothing else. The hallways were deserted, but even if they hadn’t been, she wouldn’t have paid anyone any attention. She’d only learned the location of Gale’s room a couple of weeks ago, and this would be the second time she’d gone there.

It might have been crazy to show up in the middle of the night, but she was feeling crazy at the moment.

She knocked loudly on his door once she got there, hoping it would be enough to wake him up. Her hand raised against the surface three times before she could hear him moving around inside.

“Who the hell-” he exclaimed as he opened the door, but he stopped once he saw Johanna standing there in her nightclothes.

“Nice to see you too,” she greeted.

“What are you doing here, Mason?” Gale tried to pass his question off as annoyed, but Johanna could pick up a hint of worry in his voice that she hated.

“I couldn’t sleep, and I was going to lose it if I stayed in my room and did nothing for another night. I decided to come see you instead.”

He looked at her for a few moments as if trying to figure something out before moving aside and letting her into the room. Gale’s room looked exactly the same as last time. It was clean, but not a clean where you could tell that someone spent a good deal of time arranging things. It was a clean that seemed to hint that no one was ever here to dirty it up.

Johanna threw herself down in a chair, one of two in the room. Gale took the other one. He hadn’t bothered to turn on any lights before getting the door, but neither of them seemed keen to do so now either.

“Are we just going to sit here in silence?” Gale finally asked.

Johanna shrugged. “We can do whatever you want to do. I just wanted a change of scenery.”

“Our rooms are almost identical.”

“Yours has that little chip in the paint right there.” She pointed to where she was talking about, even though she could hardly make it out in the dark.

“So you decided to come to my room just so you could inspect the paint job?”

Johanna shrugged again. “Being able to talk to someone may have been a motivator too. Your thoughts can’t get as loud when there’s someone in the room with you.”

“You want to talk then?”

“I guess,” Johanna allowed.

“Maybe a conversation will wear you out enough to sleep,” Gale suggested.

“I’ve never tried it before,” Johanna admitted. “Maybe.”

Gale hesitated before making his next suggestion. “Do you want to sit on the bed? You’re more likely to fall asleep if you’re comfortable.”

Johanna wanted to refuse, but the hardness of the chair wasn’t doing anything to lure her to sleep.

“You wouldn’t mind if I fell asleep in here? In your bed?”

Gale shook his head. “Nope. Go for it.”

Johanna walked over to the bed and sat down, scooting back to lean against the wall it was pushed against.

“That can’t be much more comfortable than the chair,” Gale pointed out as he sat down beside her, back also against the wall.

“At least my ass feels better,” Johanna snapped. “Those military-issued chairs are terrible.”

“I never really use them,” Gale admitted.

“Me either,” Johanna said with a smirk. “These rooms feel like a prison.”

Gale nodded, falling quiet. Johanna could already feel her eyes drooping. Just being able to hear Gale breathing beside her or lightly rustling the sheets every so often had calmed her thoughts to a manageable murmur. Gale seemed to catch on, and he moved to lay down and rest his head on the pillow. He motioned at the space between him and the wall, but Johanna shook her head, pulling her legs closer to her chest to make more room for his body that was now in front of her.

“There’s not room for both of us,” she said.

“Yes, there is.”

It was a twin bed, which was what all soldiers without spouses were given, but Johanna’s small form was more than capable of fitting into the space Gale had left. He looked like he’d be in danger of sliding off the mattress if he fell asleep.

It took Johanna a moment of consideration, but eventually, she laid down beside Gale, even letting their arms brush each other lightly. The two soldiers laid on their backs in similar positions, with their hands resting on their stomachs. Johanna breathed in deeply to calm herself. This was her first time in bed with a man since the last time they had attempted to sell her off for sex in the Capitol, and even then it had only been to force the man off of her, an action that had led to the final death of someone she loved. This was the first time in even longer that she’d been in bed with someone where sex wasn’t expected by anyone.

Soon her breathing began to even out, and Johanna no longer felt uncomfortable with Gale’s presence. This really wasn’t unlike the night in the woods after all, even if there was a bed now and their surroundings were a more reasonable temperature. Nothing terrible was going to happen. Gale was too hung up on Katniss for it to even occur to him to try anything.

Johanna was struggling to keep her eyes open when she chanced a glance over at Gale. His eyes were closed, and Johanna could tell from the steady rise and fall of his chest that he was asleep. It was unsurprising considering the only thing that had been keeping him up in the first place was Johanna. Her eyes fell shut for the final time that night as she focused on the sound of Gale’s breathing instead of her own thoughts.


	7. Dance

_“If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.” - George Bernard Shaw_

Why did a military have to hold a dance of all things? Or a ball. Whatever they wanted to call them. Balls were such an odd concept to Gale. They’d had dances in District 12. Those were always fun, and Gale enjoyed them. He didn’t understand the point of making them formal and calling them by a different name. Having to dress up and then stand around making connections in between very stiff, formal dances didn’t sound like fun to Gale at all. This was just an excuse to do more work.

He was undoubtedly the only person in the entire base not at the ball right now. He had heard some commotion earlier as people headed in the direction of the “ballroom,” but now this part of the base, which was entirely housing, was silent. Gale was sure he wouldn’t find another human being anywhere.

That would be why the knock on his door startled him so much. Gale knew who it was going to be before he’d opened the door, which was why he was unsurprised to see Johanna Mason looking up at him in amusement. She was in a nice dress that revealed far more skin than the few outfits he’d seen her in since arriving in District 2 that weren’t military dress, her nightclothes included. From the make of the dress, Gale would guess it was Capitol made. He wondered why Johanna was willing to wear it. Like most people from the districts, Johanna didn’t take much stock in fancy clothes, and Gale didn’t think the dress was a usual purchase for her.

“There’s a store if you go into the nearest town,” Johanna explained, knowing from Gale’s looks that he was wondering about her dress. “This was the first dress I could find that seemed formal enough, so I bought it.”

Gale nodded, not bothering to question her on the subject.

“My question,” Johanna continued. “Is why you’re in here not dressed up when you’re supposed to be out there talking to all the officers and working your way up the ranks.”

“I’d like to think any promotions I get are because of my skills and not because I’m capable of bullshitting to the bosses.”

Johanna snorted. “This is the military, Hawthorne. Everything is a pissing contest, and sucking up is one of the most important parts of that pissing contest.”

“Then I guess I won’t be getting promoted, will I.”

“You’d rather stay at your current rank forever than suck up to officers?”

“Yes,” Gale stated fervently. “And I especially don’t plan to put on fancy clothes and pretend like I’m someone superior in order to impress them. That’s not what the military should be about, and I don’t plan to let it become what I want.”

“That’s oddly admirable of you,” Johanna stated, not able to hide her surprise. “Not many people would be so steadfast in their principles that they would shun these sorts of events. Most people would consider you an idiot.”

Gale shrugged, propping his feet on the table in front of the chair he sat in. “At least if I get promoted, I’ll know it’s because I’m actually good at what I do.”

“I suppose, but how do I know that you weren’t just scared of the ball? I mean, there’s not wanting to suck up, and then there’s hiding in the room you hate in order to avoid a ball. You’d rather stay locked up here alone than dress up and dance?”

“Yes,” Gale said calmly, not rising to her bait. “The dress up part at least. I’m fine with dancing, just not ballroom dancing. That ‘dancing’ is laughable. It’s about showing off too. And the only reason I’m here and not working is because they shut all the facilities down.”

“You could still go outside or something, but you didn’t want anyone to see you.”

“I would have dealt with others wondering why I wasn’t at the ball. I probably would have had to fend a few people off and convince them to leave me alone. In other words, it would have been exactly like this except with more of you.”

“I still think you’re just scared to dance,” Johanna said with a smirk. She propped her feet up across from Gale’s on the table, and nudged his feet with hers.

“I’ll have you know that I can dance just fine when it’s the right kind of dancing,” he said.

“The right kind? What constitutes the right kind of dancing?”

“It’s fun. It’s not ‘stand the proper distance apart and follow a rigid set of rules’ dancing. It’s ‘move with the rhythm and actually enjoy yourself’ dancing.”

“I can’t see you doing that at all. You’re too brooding and uptight for it.”

“You met me during a war. Of course I was uptight and brooding. I’ll have you know that I’m completely capable of having fun without resisting. I’m not-” He cut himself off, but they each knew who he was thinking of, and yes, Johanna was being reminded every day that he was very much not Katniss. “Can’t you dance? Doesn’t everyone do it?”

“I don’t,” Johanna quickly responded. “Not willingly anyway. I had to back in the Capitol as a victor, but like you said, that was always easy stuff where you just followed whoever was leading you. I used to dance as a little kid, but I haven’t since my first games, not what you call ‘real’ dancing. I kind of lost the ability to ‘lose myself.’”

“That’s not about the ability to dance. That’s not letting yourself dance. You’re just telling yourself you can’t.”

“Does it matter either way?”

“Yes. Dancing is one of the only things in the world that can put anyone in a good mood. You shouldn’t deprive yourself of it.”

“Isn’t that what you’re doing up in your room right now?”

“I meant that you shouldn’t deprive yourself of good dancing.”

“Of course, but I’ll still pass.”

“What were you planning on doing at the ball tonight?”

“I already told you, the stiff, ballroom stuff I have down. I only would have danced if it couldn’t be avoided though. I mainly planned on getting some food and then leaving. Putting in public appearances helps you seem sane. They’re definitely speculating about both of our mental states right now.”

“No one thinks I’m crazy.”

“Your best friend growing up was the Mockingjay who, as much as she’s loved by Panem, is also known to have gone a bit crazy. That association alone has some people suspicious.”

Gale frowned. He never worried what others thought of him, but if his superiors thought he wasn’t all there in the head, he’d be in trouble. He’d been put in a job surrounded by massively destructive weapons. There was no way they’d keep him there if there was any doubt about his sanity. He’d gone through a mental evaluation that the officers had access to, so they had to know he was fine. What did the other soldiers his rank and lower think though? He didn’t speak to many of them. What if they all thought he was crazy? Maybe he should be putting in more effort with his work relationships. Blowing off the ball wasn’t helping.

“Stop thinking so hard.” Johanna’s words broke through his thoughts. “There’s nothing you can do about it. First of all, not everyone is going to think you’re crazy. Secondly, people are going to talk, and you can’t stop it. I learned a long time ago that rumors are just about the most inconsequential things that there are. Unless they turn into Capitol gossip and you’re a victor, but that doesn’t apply here. There are too many real problems in life to be worried about something that’s not actually causing you harm.”

Gale’s frown lessened slightly, but he still wasn’t smiling as he stood in front of her.

“Come on,” he urged, holding his hand out to Johanna.

“What?” She wondered briefly if he’d suddenly decided to go to the ball.

“We’re going to dance.”

“Here?” Johanna asked in disbelief, looking around the small room. “You don’t even have anything to play music in here.”

“Wrong,” Gale informed her. He walked over to a drawer and pulled out a small music player. It was one of the cheap kinds that only held a small number of songs compared to most. She’d never used one. “I bought this when I first came here for whenever I had to be alone in this room with my thoughts. It helps if you can focus on music instead.”

Johanna had become so dismissive of music after her games that she had never considered the possibility of using it as a distraction. She remembered back to how Gale’s breathing had calmed her racing mind, and she realized that music would probably have even more of an effect. She made a mental note to try and get ahold of music the next time she could.

“I’m still not dancing.”

The music was playing now. Gale had selected an upbeat song that Johanna had never heard before. There were no lyrics, but Johanna could make out a wide range of instruments playing as the music progressed.

“You questioned my dancing skills earlier,” Gale reminded her. “I have to prove myself now.”

“Weren’t you the one going on about how you didn’t care about sucking up or approval or whatever?”

“I don’t want to suck up and get credit for things that have nothing to do with skill or ability. Dancing is an ability. I want credit for what I can do.”

“So the secret comes out. You really do crave approval.”

“Only from certain people, and only when they insist on not giving me my fair share of credit.”

“It’s just dancing, Hawthorne. I’m sure you’re fine and all, but you’re not going to impress me.”

“You won’t know that if you don’t dance with me.”

“Last time I checked, dancing could be a solitary activity. You don’t need me.”

“Dancing by yourself while someone else sits and watches isn’t fun. It’s awkward.”

“It’s only awkward if you feel awkward. If you’re proud of your dancing skills, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

He continued to stand over her, hand out waiting for her to take it.

“One dance,” he urged. “Just until the song is over.”

Johanna realized that she wasn’t getting out of this, so with a sigh, she stood up and took his hand. As soon as Johanna’s hand was in Gale’s they were moving. Somehow Gale was leading in a way that Johanna didn’t have to even think about what she was doing. She just followed him and it worked. It was impressive, but she would never admit that to Gale.

Once the song finished, she was breathless even though they had started far into the song. She fell back into the chair, watching as Gale switched off the music and sat back down across from her, smirk back on his face.

 

“I told you I could dance.”

Johanna shrugged. “You’re decent.”


	8. Message

_“Every word, facial expression, gesture, or action on the part of a parent gives the child some message about self-worth. It is sad that so many parents don't realize what messages they are sending.” - Virginia Satir_

Gale groaned as the ringing of the phone pulled him from his sleep. He’d only gotten it recently at the express urging of his mother. Eight months he’d been in District 2, and over the course of those eight months, he’d only spoken to his mother and siblings back in District 12 over the pay-for-use phones in one of the common areas for the soldiers.

Gale had never liked phones much. They had seemed useless when everyone he knew and could possibly want to talk to had lived in District 12, and of course they had cost money that he hadn’t had. They’d grown in importance once he’d moved away from everyone he knew, but it hadn’t been enough for Gale to buy one. His mother and siblings were the only ones he ever wanted to talk to, and the pay phones worked just fine for that.

Hazelle had been upset that she couldn’t call him when she had something to tell him. Instead, she’d had to wait for his next call, which could be ages with his work schedule, and she would often forget things that she thought he should know (that Gale wasn’t as sure he needed to know). It wasn’t until his mother urged him to get a phone of his own for the fifth time that he finally caved and bought the cheapest mobile phone he could find.

What Gale hadn’t counted on was the overeagerness Hazelle would feel once he had the phone. She called constantly, and although Gale left the phone in his room at all times, his lack of answering only made her more anxious and led her to call more often. Gale couldn’t get through a day without her calling, and she’d taken to calling early in the mornings or late at night. Getting Gale while he was asleep was the only surefire way to catch him in his room.

Gale blindly reached for the ringing phone on his bedside table. He didn’t glance at the caller ID as he clicked the call button and greeted the person on the other end. His mother was the only one with his number, so it would be her or, far more unlikely, one of his siblings.

“Gale,” Hazelle Hawthorne greeted as soon as she realized the ringback tone had stopped. Pleasure seeped through her voice over her luck of actually catching her oldest son. “How are you?”

“Tired,” Gale groaned. He propped himself up on an elbow and looked over at the alarm clock that informed him it was still three hours before he’d usually get up for work. It would be two hours later in the day in District 12. Gale often wondered if his mother took the time difference into consideration whenever she called.

“Have you been getting enough sleep?” Hazelle asked anxiously.

“I would be if you stopped calling while I’m trying.” Gale hadn’t meant to snap, but he had trouble controlling his temper when he’d just woken up, especially this early.

“Maybe if you actually called your mother once in a while, I wouldn’t need to.”

“You don’t give me a chance. You call every single day.”

“I know your track record.”

Gale sighed, laying his head back down on the pillow. “That was when I had to pay each time I wanted to call you. Making calls is easier now. I’d do it more often if you gave me the chance.”

“I’m your mother; I know that’s not true, but it’s okay. I can call on my own. Anyway, none of this is why I’ve called. How are things in District 2?”

“The same as when you asked me that question yesterday.”

“Have you talked to Johanna since then?”

Gale let out an annoyed huff of air. “Why do you ask about her every single day?”

“Because, Gale, she seems to be the closest friend you have, which makes her important to me. And from what I know about the girl, I really worry about her. I remember her games, you know. She was vicious, definitely a fighter. She reminds me of Katniss in that way, but there’s a sense of vulnerability in her too. I remember picking up on it during her Victory Tour. I always kept a close eye on her whenever she made an appearance after that. She became both tougher and more vulnerable over the years. I’m really glad you’ve befriended her. I know she could use it.”

“Yeah, I know.” Gale was in disbelief that his mother had followed a victor closely, let alone one that he’d gone on to befriend. “She helps me too though.”

He wasn’t sure what had made him admit as much to his mother. She had a way of getting things out of him that he had never intended to say.

“I know,” Hazelle responded. Gale could hear her smile even through the phone. “You talk about her so fondly.”

Gale felt a slight heat in his cheeks, and he was thankful his mother couldn’t see his face.

“She’s a good friend,” he said defensively.

Hazelle hummed in agreement. “Speaking of your friends…”

Gale sighed, knowing who his mother wanted to discuss.

“I saw Katniss in town the other day.”

They hadn’t spoken about Gale’s best friend much in the past eight months. Her name had only been mentioned in passing before a quick topic change, usually thanks to Gale’s doing. Apparently Hazelle had grown tired of not addressing the subject.

“And?” Gale prompted.

“She seems well. At least as well as can be expected. She wasn’t hunting when we first got back, but she’s in the woods almost every day now. I was talking to Greasy Sae about it the other day. She runs the grocery now, you know? She’s put everything she has into running a grocery that’s always stocked with enough food for everyone and at decent prices. Anyway, she’s been buying food from Katniss. Mostly meat, but she also buys some berries and whatever else Katniss manages to gathers out there.

“When I ran into her, Katniss that is, yesterday she was at Greasy Sae’s grocery selling some squirrels. It was wonderful to see her. I’ve always thought of her as another daughter of sorts, and it’s been so hard knowing she’s so close by and hurting but not knowing if I should visit. She was wonderful though. Happy to see me and everything, I know she wasn’t faking it considering she’s a terrible liar.

“The two of us didn’t talk long. You could tell she was anxious to get back home, but I think it was just nervousness over not seeing me since it all happened. I really wish the two of you were still in contact. I understand, of course, but it seems like such a tragedy to throw away your friendship.”

“I wouldn’t say we threw anything away.”

“Then what would you call it?”

“Some much needed time apart in order to sort things out and recover from everything. No one’s saying we’ll never speak again.”

Because some part of Gale knew they would. His friendship with Katniss had been built on a strong foundation, and this separation wasn’t going to ever destroy that. Katniss would always be an important person in his life. He couldn’t avoid that forever.

“Gale.” He could hear the hesitation in her voice. “Don’t get too upset over this, but what are your feelings for Katniss at the moment?”

It wasn’t a question he’d been expecting. Gale had never discussed his feelings for Katniss with his mother before. It was just something that she had guessed at and then learned of more through hints and observation than Gale outright admitting to anything. In fact, he’d never discussed girls with his mother at all. He wasn’t sure if she knew of anything that had ever happened between him and girls at school, although she probably suspected at least some of it just because he’d been a teenager.

“Not romantic,” he admitted. It was something that had occupied his thoughts a lot over the past eight months. Because he typically tried to quell the thoughts, he wasn’t sure when the romantic feelings had faded away. At some point, his mind accepted that nothing romantic was ever going to happen with Katniss, and it was better for him to get over it. At the same time, he’d realized that his friendship with her was what was more important to him and the only thing he cared about.

If the fading of his previous feelings for Katniss had something to do with Johanna Mason, then Gale was dwelling on too many other things to give that much thought right now. Whether he said it or not, Gale knew that was what his mother suspected at the moment, and he couldn’t find it in him to protest. Doing so would make her even more certain.

“Katniss is my best friend,” Gale continued. “Always will be. It will never be more than that, and it never would have been.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Hazelle said. “To be honest, there was a time when I imagined the two of you married. But watching the 75th Hunger Games, those beliefs all disappeared as I saw her with Peeta. I was so worried about you then. I always hoped you’d realize that your relationship with her was important, platonic or not.”

“Mom,” Galed groaned, wishing she would stop talking about these sorts of things with him.

“I’m just letting you know. I want you to know how happy I am knowing you’re okay. I’m still not all that thrilled about you being in District 2, and you know that if you ever feel like you can, District 12 is here waiting.”

“To visit or to move back to?” Gale asked.

“Either one.”

“Mom, I will visit in the future. I promise, but it’s not going to be soon. Besides, you’re still planning on visiting the base soon. Let’s focus on that first. As for moving back, I don’t think it will ever happen.”

“You’re young,” Hazelle assured him. “And for the first time ever we’re free to move between the districts. Don’t dismiss the idea entirely. There will come a day when you want to retire from the military. You can’t stay a soldier forever. You won’t want to stay in District 2 then. There will be nothing keeping you there.”

“There might be if I keep building my life here.”

“I suppose.” Gale could hear the frown in his mother’s voice. “But remember that you have family here too. You always will no matter how deeply you set down roots somewhere else.”

“Of course I will. This isn’t about forgetting any of you, and you know that.”

“I know. I just don’t think a reminder can hurt every now and then.”

“I guess not,” Gale relented. He glanced over at the clock that sat on his bedside table. “Mom, I’ve got to go. I need to be ready for work on time.”

“And you want to sleep more before you even think of getting out of bed.”

Gale smiled, but didn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she was right. “Bye, Mom. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Gale stared at the ceiling after he’d hung up the phone. He hadn’t actually thought about whether or not he was building a life in District 2 until that phone call. He hadn’t been thinking that much about the future. Now he realized that he was, in fact, doing just what he had told his mother. There were already things, or people, tying him here, and he only expected those ties to get stronger as time went on. Each day District 12 lost a bit of its hold on him as District 2 gained another piece of him. Sure, District 12 would always be his home in a way. It would always be the place that shaped him into who he was and the place that held many of the people he loved. But District 2 was becoming home now too, and somehow, it was becoming a home he didn’t want to leave.


	9. Imaginary

_“We must prefer real hell to an imaginary paradise.” - Simone Weil_

Johanna sat in the shadows of the trees near the edge of the compound. The weather had only recently gotten warm enough that she could sit outside without a jacket and not freeze, so she’d been taking advantage of the outdoors more lately than she had in the past. If she’d positioned herself near the main entrance of the base, then that would be a coincidence and nothing more if she was spotted.

The Hawthornes were coming today. They weren’t able to stay on the base as they weren’t military personnel or the spouse or children of military personnel. Gale was paying for accommodations at a small hotel that had opened recently in the nearest town almost entirely for these sorts of visits. Johanna thought they’d spend more time in the town the hotel sat in than here at the base, but Gale had made a throwaway comment about his mother wanting to see where he lived and worked before they did anything else.

Johanna wasn’t sure why she was staking them out. She’d seen all of Gale’s family back in District 13. She hadn’t spoken to them much, but she thought she’d had at least one brief exchange with each of them even if she couldn’t recall them now. Gale’s two brothers had each seemed impressed by her. They’d probably heard stories of her games, although she didn’t think either of them could have vivid memories from that year. Well, maybe Rory could. She wasn’t actually sure how old he would have been when she “won.”

Maybe that was why she was waiting here to see them. She’d met Gale’s family, but she didn’t really know them. Gale didn’t mention them to her often, and if he did, it was never anything that revealed much about them.

Johanna got it. She knew far more about Gale’s family than he knew about hers. Johanna had never so much as used the names of her family members for years now. Not since the last of them died. She couldn’t fault Gale for not discussing something that was such a touchy subject for her.

Still, Gale’s family was alive, which was far more than Johanna could say. Yes, his dad was dead, but he still had his mother and three siblings. Johanna hadn’t had that in a long time. His father also hadn’t been personally ordered to die by Snow as a punishment. Johanna didn’t want to belittle someone else’s loss, not really, but she couldn’t bring herself to think of it as the same thing.

Maybe that was why she was so fascinated by Gale’s family. They were still alive, and hers wasn’t. Families had piqued her interest in a morbid sort of way since she’d lost her own. She was interested in how they worked and how people felt about their families. It was a painful interest. One that always dug up painful memories if she explored it, which was another reason why she was unsure about why she was doing this.

Her breath caught in her throat as she saw the group at the gate. Gale was in his uniform even though it was his day off, and Johanna stifled a laugh, knowing he was trying to impress his family, especially his younger brothers who were undoubtedly fascinated by getting proof that their brother was a real soldier.

They all appeared in good spirits except the young girl Johanna recalled as being named Posy. She was eyeing the gun carrying guards at the entrance with distrust. Her eyes widened further as said guards approached the group. Everyone entering the base, except military personnel who could produce an ID, had to be searched. Johanna had been surprised when she’d learned that anyone could visit the base as long as they accepted a quick background check and weren’t found to be carrying any weapons. It was far more than the previous government of Panem would have allowed.

Posy latched on to Gale’s arm as the soldiers waved special wands around the visitors that would detect anything suspicious they were carrying. They came away clean, of course, and the men went back to their posts, taking their guns with them. Johanna watched the tension leave Posy, even though she remained leery of everyone roaming about this area of the base.

Gale wasn’t paying much attention to Posy, although he let her keep her grip on his arm. He didn’t seem to put much stock in her fears or worry about shielding her from the soldiers that he knew wouldn’t harm her.

The girl relaxed as she realized that most of the soldiers she was encountering didn’t have weapons on them. It wasn’t common for anyone to carry them around unless they were on guard duty or training with the weapons, so Johanna doubted the family would encounter anymore guns until they decided to leave.

The family was walking towards the housing buildings, and Johanna figured Gale planned to show them his room. Johanna didn’t know why. There was nothing remarkable about it. It was plain and hardly looked like it was even occupied. Johanna didn’t know Hazelle at all, but she thought the woman would be disappointed at the lack of personalization Gale had attempted. It was probably nothing like the Hawthorne family home back in District 12. Johanna imagined Hazelle kept that as warm and inviting as possible, even back in the years where they were barely able to survive.

Soldier’s barracks weren’t like that, although Gale was lucky enough to have a private room to take them to. It was hard to brighten up something made so uniformly and without a care for anything but efficiency. Johanna had always felt her house in District 7’s Victor’s Village was the same way, even though it was nicer than any of the soldier barracks here in District 2.

The Hawthorne family had disappeared from sight now, and Johanna stood with a sigh, dusting away any dirt clinging to her pants. They were about to begin serving lunch in the mess hall, and Johanna had nothing better to do but be there right on time. She and Gale had been eating every meal together over the past several months with both of them showing up right as the mess hall began serving. He hadn’t been there for breakfast this morning since he’d picked his family up from the train station in town. Johanna had already prepared herself to eat every meal alone while Gale’s family was in District 2. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t done so before.

The mess hall was quiet when Johanna entered. The newer recruits still had mealtimes set for them in a more rigid fashion than “this is when the mess hall serves.” All of those units were out training. Everyone else seemed busy at their jobs as well because the earlier hours of meals were always the quietest. Johanna supposed that’s why she gravitated towards them. She didn’t like that much noise these days. Quiet had a nice, calming effect.

Johanna was halfway through her meal, which was composed of rather unremarkable food, when the presence of others at the table she sat at surprised her.

“What?” she questioned before she could process what was happening.

Gale smiled down at her, but it was with hesitation as his entire family slid in to the right of Johanna and Gale as well.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you, dear.” Hazelle smiled at Johanna from the seat she had taken at her side.

Johanna looked at her in surprise before mumbling, “Uh, you too.”

The shock had managed to penetrate Johanna’s usual walls, but she quickly worked to put them up again. Being caught off guard made you look weak. Johanna looked at the rest of Gale’s family. Posy sat at Gale’s side, unwilling to leave any distance between her and her brother while she got to have him. Gale’s brothers, Rory and Vick, sat on the opposite sides of Posy and Hazelle, and they were already off in a conversation of their own. From the small bit Johanna paid attention to, they were talking excitedly about the parts of the military compound they had seen.

“We have a bit more company for lunch than usual today,” Gale remarked.

Johanna raised an eyebrow in his direction. “I’d noticed.”

“You should have seen Gale when he realized he was running late for lunch with you,” Hazelle began. “He shooed us out of his room as quickly as possible.” Johanna smirked as Gale blushed a bright red, but she thought her own cheeks might have been flushed as well. “I think it’s wonderful that you two have a routine like that. People need some sort of routine in order to feel at home.”

Home. Johanna had never thought District 2 could be described that way. She lived on a military base after all. It wasn’t somewhere that many people felt at home. Most of the people here thought of their jobs as temporary before they settled down and did something else with their lives, and even those planning life-long military careers eventually planned to live off of the base and down in town. Johanna had never tried thinking of this place as home. District 7 would always have that distinction.

“Our lives are built around routine, Mom. That’s how the military works. Most of our lives are scheduled for us.”

Hazelle shrugged. “Perhaps, but those sorts of routines aren’t what I mean. You need routines outside of work.”

“Mom,” Vick interrupted. “I’m done eating. When do we get to go explore some more?”

“I want to see the town!” Posy spoke up excitedly, even though she was wasn’t even halfway done with her food.

“We will,” Hazelle assured Posy before turning to her youngest son. “Not all of us can inhale our food. Be patient. You’ll have plenty of time to explore while we’re here. Johanna,” Hazelle turned suddenly to the woman sitting beside her, “Would you like to come with us? Gale said today is your usual day off, and I think we’re going into town later.”

“Yes!” Posy said with even more excitement than she’d shown before. “Please come with us!”

Johanna watched the little girl smile brightly up at her. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had looked at her so happily and without an ounce of fear or trepidation. Johanna wondered how much Posy had heard about her from others. The boys had clearly heard about Johanna’s games and possibly more. They weren’t looking at her in fear, but there was a sense of admiration and hesitance there that showed they were aware of her more violent capabilities.

The thought of spending the entire day with Gale’s family was one of the most terrifying ideas that Johanna had encountered recently. They’d only been reunited earlier that day, and Johanna wouldn’t have wanted to encroach on their time together, even if she wasn’t a bit wary around them for other reasons as well. Now they were all looking at her expectantly, and she knew she would only get out of it with a good excuse. One that Gale knew she never had on her days off.

“I guess,” she offered, trying not to show her worries while also not appearing falsely eager.

“Wonderful,” Hazelle said as Posy cheered.

Johanna noticed the other soldiers in the mess hall looking over at them, not used to hearing little girls make so much noise as they ate. All of the Hawthornes seemed oblivious to it. Even Gale had adjusted quickly to having his sister with him again.

Since she’d already been halfway through her meal when they arrived, Johanna was the first one done with her meal after Vick and Rory who ate at unbelievable speeds. Her original plan had been to excuse herself quickly, but with that no longer an option, Johanna was forced to sit with the family without the distraction of food allowing her to focus on something other than their conversations.

Gale had shifted back into his dynamic as oldest son and brother easily. Watching them, Johanna had a hard time remembering that he’d been away from his family for the better part of a year. Possibly longer if she added the rebellion into that. Rory and Vick got into an argument out of nowhere, and Gale was there to put an end to it quicker than Hazelle could. Posy chattered incessantly to Gale and even Johanna about everything she’d been up to in her recent memory, which most notably included starting school, and Johanna found it endearing, even if it was also annoying to feign interest in things like which color Posy preferred drawing with the most.

By the time everyone was done eating and they were making their way out of the compound, Johanna found herself more at ease with the family. Gale, who had sensed her discomfort from the start, was being careful that she didn’t feel shunned or unincluded. Hazelle was doing the same and paying more attention to Johanna than anyone else. Posy was too, although this seemed to be more of a fascination with Johanna than any sense of Johanna’s own feelings. Rory and Vick were paying her much less mind, but they were disinterested with their family as a whole.

Johanna didn’t travel into town often. There was no point unless she needed something, which wasn’t often when her meals were provided in the mess hall. She wasn’t a fan of the town that sat in a valley between the mountain that held the base and another mountain left largely undisturbed. The town was a newer one that had old roots. It had been a mining town many years before that had been abandoned once the mine held nothing more of value. The previous inhabitants had been relocated by the Capitol to newer mines where they would be useful.

With the new freedom to move about, many District 2 citizens had quickly moved back into the town and taken over the abandoned buildings. Some still looked dilapidated, but others had been nicely restored. Still other buildings were actually new. With no other industry here, the citizens made their livings by providing things needed by the base, which meant there was little more here other than shops and one bar. Johanna wasn’t sure what the Hawthornes planned to see.

“Is that what’s going to be the movie theater?” Posy asked, pointing at a building under construction while bobbing lightly on her toes.

“Yep,” Gale informed his sister with amusement. “I bet it’ll be up and running by the time you visit again.”

Johanna’s nose scrunched up in distaste. “I didn’t know they were building a movie theater.”

“You’re never interested in what’s happening in town,” Gale pointed out.

“But why do we need a movie theater?”

Gale shrugged. “It gives the soldiers something to do other than drink.”

But movies were always terrible, Johanna thought. She never understood the point of sitting there for a couple of hours to watch some people who didn’t really exist go through something deemed tragic by Capitol-standards only to have everyone come through and have perfect, happy lives at the end. That wasn’t entertainment. It was cringe-inducing.

She didn’t say as much out loud, not wanting to bring the Hawthornes down when they’d invited her along with them. Instead, she trailed along behind the others as Gale pointed out what each of the buildings were.

“It’s so different from District 12,” Posy remarked from her new perch on Gale’s shoulders.

“Not really,” Vick told his sister petulantly. “There are mountains just like at home, and most of the same types of buildings. They even have a mine like we do in District 12. We just don’t have a military base.”

Posy shrugged, not believing her brother but too cheerful to put up a fight.

“It is a lot different in some ways, Posy,” Gale assured his sister. “Just not obvious ways like Vick pointed out.”

Posy smiled with the pleasure of having her statement verified by the brother she admired most, and her posture improved as she sat high on Gale’s shoulders.

They’d been walking around town for an hour when Hazelle dropped back to walk at Johanna’s side. Johanna’s nerves returned as she readied herself for what the woman was about to say to her.

“You don’t have to be so tense, dear. I’m not going to do anything to hurt you.”

The words were meant to create comfort, but the idea of receiving comfort from anyone was enough to put Johanna more on edge. She didn’t offer Hazelle a response. The woman sighed, having expected this sort of reaction.

“I wanted to talk to you while I could. You know you’re one of the only things my son ever tells me about other than work. That seems to be all he ever cares about: work and you. Don’t worry. I’m not going to ask about what’s really going on between you or anything like that. I’m not going to be one of those mothers who pushes her son at a girl. You two will work that out in time if it’s meant to happen.”

Johanna could feel a blush on her cheeks that she willed to go away, but she didn’t bother to interrupt the woman.

“I’m only bringing it up because I want you to realize how important you are to Gale. I don’t think you do yet, and because you’re important to my son, you’re important to me. I know what happened to your family. I don’t know all the details, of course, but I’ve learned enough to figure out what happens to the families of just about all the victors.

“I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose everyone like you did. I try to imagine it sometimes. It’s not like I’m a stranger to suffering, but I sit there and I try to imagine the pain of losing my husband magnified for each of my children, and it doesn’t seem like enough. I can’t possibly sympathize with you, but I do want you to know that, as a friend of Gale’s and even as a friend of Katniss’s, I consider you a member of our family. I don’t know if that means anything to you, but it’s how I view things. I’m not expecting anything from you, but if you ever need anything that I can help you with, then you should feel free to ask.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Hawthorne.”

“Hazelle,” she corrected with a small smile. “You should call me Hazelle.”

“Thank you, Hazelle,” Johanna corrected herself. She offered the woman a small, hesitant smile. She felt incredibly uncomfortable, but she was also touched. Hazelle had just done more for her than most of the people Johanna had ever met, and she wanted the woman to know that she was grateful, even if she wasn’t sure how to show it.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart.”

From anyone else, Johanna would have throttled them for using such an endearment, but she let it go with Hazelle. There was something about the woman that had softened Johanna a bit. It was probably her motherliness. It was the first time anyone had shown Johanna any maternal affection since her own mother was killed. Ever since that day, Johanna had told herself that she didn’t need to be mothered, and maybe she didn’t need it, but she realized now that it was nice sometimes. It made her feel warm in a way she had forgotten she could feel.

Hazelle offered Johanna another smile before turning to her bickering sons and attempting to quell their yelling. Gale fell back at her side with Posy trailing beside him, now holding his hand.

“My mom likes you,” Gale remarked, watching the woman and his two brothers.

Johanna shrugged. “I guess she does,” she said, unsure how to tell Gale what his mother had said to her.

“She does,” Gale continued. “She’s always asking about you whenever I call, and I can always tell she’s concerned about you. Sometimes I think she’s too caring.”

Johanna shook her head. “No, I think that’s a good quality. Not many people in the districts have it anymore.”

They fell into a comfortable silence, but Johanna was comparing Gale’s words with his mother’s. Hazelle had made it sound like Gale was talking about her of his own volition, but Gale made it sound like his mother was always the one to bring Johanna up. Which was the case? And if Gale was the one always talking about her, then what did it mean? It could easily mean that she was the closest friend that he’d made on base, which she knew to be true, and nothing more, but Johanna had only recently let herself admit that she might want it to mean more than that.


	10. Underworld

_“It takes all sorts of people to make the underworld.” - Don Marquis_

The forest had begun to feel alive again in the past several weeks. The flowers were blooming, and all of the leaves had come out on the trees. Even the recent rain that was partially responsible for this had decided to clear and give way to more days of sunshine.

Gale and Johanna had begun something of a tradition over the winter, but it was definitely more enjoyable now. Gale had little need to hunt now that he ate in a well-stocked mess hall, and it turned out that he had little desire for the sport when it wasn’t required of him. He still liked hunting on occasion but not often. He much prefered just being out in the woods and enjoying his surroundings, and it had been a spontaneous decision to invite Johanna along with him one day. He knew that she would have little else to do if he didn’t bring her along. They always seemed to go the easiest on her because they were worried about her mental state, and Gale knew she hated it. She spent large chunks of time just laying about stuck in her own thoughts, so Gale did his best to bring her out of it whenever he had free time too.

He’d been doing less work in recent months, and his commanding officers seemed thankful for it. They might be alarmed that one soldier could design so many weapons in such a short time frame.

Even though Johanna had been nervous during their training session through the woods months back, she was far more relaxed on these excursions. Gale figured that the pressure to perform well had done enough to send her back to the games. These trips had no stakes and therefore didn’t resemble her past experiences in arenas. Gale knew she’d grown up in District 7, and although he’d never been there, the lumber district had to be full of woods. She would be used to those.

Gale had discovered that Johanna liked the quiet but not a complete silence. Too much noise was overwhelming to her but complete silence was stifling as well. She wanted just enough noise that she could focus on it and only it. That was why she kept showing up at his room in the middle of the night. Her own room was too quiet, but Gale’s provided just the right level of noise for her to feel at ease and actually sleep. Gale was still trying to figure out a better arrangement than the two of them squeezing into the small single bed that he’d been issued.

A mockingjay sang from a low branch, and Gale looked up at it with a sigh. Those stupid birds were everywhere, and of course they reminded him of Katniss. It wasn’t even that memories of her were painful now. Gale just felt guilty whenever he looked at them, like he needed to go talk to Katniss immediately and mend their friendship.

Gale was so wrapped up in his thoughts that it took him a second to realize Johanna had collapsed to the ground behind him. As soon as he looked back and saw her, he rushed to her side, wrapping his arms around her body to hold her steady. She sagged against him, not capable of worrying about how she appeared. She no longer comprehended her surroundings as her breathing became shallow and frantic. Whatever she was seeing was in her mind.

Sweat began to seep through her clothes, and Gale felt her getting damper as he supported her. Water from the damp ground also soaked into his pants. He spoke to her gently, trying to calm her down, but nothing worked. At some point, Johanna pulled away far enough to raise her hands to her head and begin pulling on her hair. Gale knew then that something major was going on in her head. Something she wasn’t able to stop.

Gale wasn’t sure how much time passed before Johanna’s breathing calmed and the sweat dried on her skin. Even then, Gale kept one hand on her back and another on her knee. Johanna remained hunched over as she tried to pull herself back together.

She took an extra deep breath before looking up at Gale. “I was hoping you’d never see that.”

“It happens often?” Gale asked with concern.

Johanna shrugged. “Not really. It used to when I first became a victor. I’d have a panic attack almost once a day, but at some point I seemed to grow immune and stuff stopped bothering me. Then, after I got held captive by the Capitol, I started having major ones every time I was near water. Those have mostly stopped too. Now I get them maybe once every few months, and they’re at really random times.”

“Why didn’t you want me to know about it?”

Johanna bristled. “Why would I want anyone to know about it? The only one who knows I still have them is my ranking officer, and that’s because she saw me have one once. I’m sure she’s reported to those above her though. They have to have everything they can on the crazy girl. For once I’d like to not be the crazy girl.”

“I don’t think of you as the crazy girl, Johanna. Panic attacks or no panic attacks.”

Johanna froze. It was the first time he’d used her first name to address her. Even as they’d become closer, they’d stuck exclusively to last names. It was easier for bantering.

“Just saying that doesn’t make it true. You saw me break down like that. It’ll affect your perception of me whether you mean for it to or not.”

“Why does seeing you have a panic attack automatically mean I think you’re crazy? Johanna, I’ve seen a lot of messed up people. Most of this country is messed up. Think about what we went through, especially everyone in the rebellion. Sure, you’ve been through shit. More than most of us can say we’ve been through, but there’s a lot of stuff that’s a part of you. Your struggles may be a part of that, but you’re not ‘the crazy girl.’ Besides, you’ve overcome almost all of that. You said it yourself that you hardly have panic attacks around water anymore, and the number of panic attacks you have has lessened. You’re getting stronger. You’re always getting stronger.”

“I don’t feel any stronger.”

She let out a wet, shaky breath. It was the most weakness she’d ever willingly shown anyone. Gale wrapped an arm around her shoulders. He’d already touched her more today than he ever had. The only times that had come close to this in the past were when they accidentally brushed up against each other in bed.

“I don’t think any of us do. You’re so focused on your weaknesses that you’re ignoring everything else.”

They were quiet for a few moments as they were each consumed by their own thoughts.

“Why do you put up with me?” Johanna continued at Gale’s look of confusion. “I’ve insulted you regularly since we met. I don’t open up to anyone. I’m like this cold machine. No one ever wants to be around me. Why do you?”

“The fact that we’re having this conversation disproves the idea that you never open up.”

Johanna blushed.

“As for everything else, it’s never bothered me. It’s not as if your insults have ever stung. I have tough skin, and even if I didn’t, I always knew why you were doing it. It’s hard to take someone’s insults seriously if they insult everyone. But, Johanna, you don’t really fool that many people.” Johanna stiffened although she’d always known that her facade wasn’t as perfect as she wished it was. “It’s easy to tell that it’s all a protective shell and you’re not a mean person. Besides, I like your personality. It’s amusing.”

“You like me insulting you?”

Gale shrugged with a small smile. “As long as I know you’re not all that serious. It makes things interesting. Although I’m not saying that a compliment here or there wouldn’t be nice.”

Johanna looked at him with a contemplative frown. “I can give you a compliment.”

She scooted closer to him and picked up his hand, turning it over in hers. She took a deep breath before working up the courage to say it. “Gale Hawthorne, I feel closer to you than I have anyone since I was seventeen years old and the last of my family died.”

“And how close do you feel to me exactly?” Gale asked. His face was inching closer to Johanna’s as they stared each other in the eyes.

“So close that it scares the shit out of me,” she murmured right before Gale’s lips caught her own.

Gale’s hand came up to cup the back of Johanna’s head, and her hands curled into the fabric of Gale’s shirt. Johanna’s panic attack was forgotten as they finally allowed themselves to feel completely comfortable in each other’s embrace.

Gale spoke as soon as they had pulled apart enough for him to do so. “I won’t lie to you and promise some perfect happily ever after or something like that, but I care for you a lot Johanna, and I want to be there for you.”

“Everyone who’s ever wanted to be there for me has ended up dead.”

“But we don’t live in that Panem anymore,” he reminded her. “There’s no one threatening my life. There’s no one threatening you. Can you try to let yourself be happy? Really happy, not the faking you sometimes try and fail to pull off.”

Johanna allowed herself a small smile, realizing that Gale had come to know her well over the past ten months.

“I’ll try.”

“That’s all I’m asking,” Gale assured her before kissing her once more.


	11. Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have read Rebuild and Recover, this chapter corresponds with chapter eleven of that story. Reading that is not necessary, but the events of Rebuild and Recover chapter eleven take place immediately before the events of this chapter. If you go and read just the chapter, it'll give you a bit of extra information about what's happening between Katniss and Johanna (including what Johanna has already said to Katniss about Gale) here even though it's not necessary.

_“Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.” - Albert Schweitzer_

It was freezing in this house. District 4 was supposed to be warm. You were supposed to be able to jump in the ocean without a care in the world about frostbite at any time of the year, yet Johanna felt like she was turning into a block of ice in this house.

She wrapped her sweater tighter around her as she glanced around the room she’d been placed in. The quietness of the house indicated that none of the others were out of bed yet. Johanna hadn’t even heard Miles cry this morning.

When Johanna had learned that she had vacation time, she hadn’t been keen to take it, but Gale insisted that she needed to get away from the military compound for a while. He couldn’t come with her, so she’d have to go alone, a prospect that was embarrassingly scary to her. His first suggestion had been for her to visit District 7 again, but she had balked. She wasn’t ready for that yet, and if Gale still hadn’t set foot back in District 12, there was no way she was going back to District 7.

Johanna’s only other options were visiting friends or going somewhere and staying in a hotel all alone. It was a no brainer to visit Annie. Katniss and Peeta were the only other people she could think to visit, and going to District 12 before Gale had been back seemed wrong. What Johanna hadn’t been expecting was getting to District 4 and being immediately informed by a very excited Annie that Katniss and Peeta would be there too in just a few days.

Katniss and Peeta were two people on a short list of those Johanna considered friends. Seeing them should have been a good thing, but something about seeing Katniss felt wrong. Maybe it was because Gale should have been the one to see her first; maybe it was because Johanna felt bad sitting in front of Katniss without telling the girl what was happening between her and Gale. More than likely it was both.

She’d called Gale the night she found out, but he’d been largely indifferent about the whole thing. Johanna wasn’t sure what that meant. He’d assured her that she should enjoy her time with Katniss. They’d grown close in District 13 after all. Gale wasn’t going to fault her a friendship. Johanna knew he was right, but that didn’t shake the unease she had felt the entire day before as she was forced into Katniss’s presence.

Katniss appeared to guess that something was happening between Gale and Johanna, which was odd considering neither of them had been in touch with the girl since their last time in the Capitol. It was like she picked up on Johanna’s discomfort and got the cause of it, which was also odd considering Katniss wasn’t the most observant person Johanna had ever met. In fact, she was usually rather self-absorbed and stuck in her own head, traits that were almost universally shared among victors.

The two women were remarkably similar. Johanna had suspected as much from the time she saw Katniss’s first interview before the 75th Annual Hunger Games. She’d had it confirmed when she met the Girl on Fire in the Capitol before the Quarter Quell. Whether it was some sort of shared personality they’d each had since birth or the result of similar circumstances, something had granted Johanna Mason and Katniss Everdeen a shared outlook on life, and Johanna didn’t like how much the younger woman could sense about Johanna’s feelings.

Johanna had left her door open a crack after she’d dressed that morning so that she’d hear the others getting up for the day, but she’d become far too absorbed in her own thoughts to catch on to Katniss’s presence before the other woman had knocked on Johanna’s door. Johanna jumped in surprise at the noise, turning to glance up at Katniss in thinly veiled trepidation.

“Can I come in?” Katniss asked, head poking into the room.

“Sure.” Johanna scooted herself closer to the headboard, leaving plenty of room for Katniss to take a seat at the foot of the bed.

“Yesterday was a little weird,” Katniss admitted immediately after sitting down.

“Yeah,” Johanna said with a smirk. She always found it amusing when Katniss blurted out what she was thinking without considering how it sounded. “It kind of was.”

“It’s weird seeing you and knowing you’ve spent time with Gale when I haven’t seen him in nearly a year. We used to be best friends.”

“You still are best friends, whether you’ve spoken with each other or not. You don’t actually think I’ve replaced you. Do you?”

Katniss looked at her carefully before replying. “No, not really. Not as his best friend at least.”

Johanna couldn’t help but frown as Katniss demonstrated again how observant she was being about Johanna. “But you do think I’ve replaced you some other way?”

Katniss nodded. “And I’m thankful for that. I really am. You’re a much better fit for him than I ever was.”

“That’s odd since I think you and I are more alike than most people.”

“Maybe.” Katniss shrugged. “And maybe that’s why he liked me in the past, but we were terrible for each other. Gale and I are really similar too, and it was all wrong. You and Gale are similar as well, I think, so I guess all three of us are kind of alike. But we’re our own people, and you and Gale are way more compatible than he and I ever were.”

“How so?” Johanna asked.

She’d been very interested in Katniss’s answer, but all the other woman did was shrug.

“You just are. I don’t know why. I’m not good with that kind of thing. It must be true if even I can pick up on it though.”

“You haven’t seen us together since we were back in District 13.”

“I know, but I know Gale better than almost anyone else. And I think I know you too. Trust me. You’re good for each other. I’ve never been more sure of something like that except with Peeta and me. I just know the two of you work.”

“Feel free to not answer this,” Johanna said. “But what exactly do you think Gale and I’s relationship is like at the moment?”

Katniss shrugged. “I can’t know for sure, but something’s happened. I can tell by the way you’re acting. You’re nervous, and it was only towards me, not Peeta.”

“Maybe you just bring up bad memories.”

Katniss frowned. “I do for a lot of people. Probably do for you too. But that’s not it in this case. It got worse when the conversation got anywhere near Gale.”

“We’ve kissed,” Johanna blurted out.

Katniss’s expression didn’t change, but she did let out a quiet, “Oh.”

Johanna waited for the other woman to voice her disapproval. Instead, she got, “Just once? I was expecting more than that.”

“Uh, no,” Johanna admitted, confused that Katniss sounded curious instead of angry. “We’ve kissed more than once but nothing more than kissing. Not even all that eventful kissing really. Just kissing.”

Katniss was stifling laughter now. “It’s okay, Johanna. I really don’t care.”

Johanna raised an eyebrow, causing Katniss to shrug.

“It may be a bit weird, I admit,” Katniss said. “But I’m not upset by the kissing part. All I want from Gale is friendship. If I’m jealous of anything, it’s that you get to talk to him every day. I’m more jealous of that than any kissing you’re doing.”

“Katniss, you’re still his best friend. I’m just the girl he makes out with occasionally.”

“‘Just’?” Katniss asked in disbelief. “It’s more than that, and we both know it. You wouldn’t be that worked up about my reaction if it didn’t mean anything to you.”

Johanna blushed. She felt a bit of anger over the fact that Gale and Katniss were the only people capable of making her flustered like this. Maybe the three of them really were similar to each other in many ways.

“Okay. Maybe he does. Maybe he means a lot to me, but think about Peeta. He hasn’t replaced Gale for you, has he? It’s completely different. This is like that. Peeta didn’t replace Gale for you. I’m not replacing you for Gale. Does that make sense?”

Katniss nodded, expression thoughtful. “It does, and you’re right.”

She looked up at Johanna from where she’d been picking at the sheets on the bed, taking in the awkwardness the other woman still felt.

“I’m not angry at you, Johanna. I never was. I want both you and Gale to be happy, but I’ll admit I felt a little weird about it. You two are good for each other. I accept that completely, and of all the people in Panem, I’m pretty happy you and Gale chose each other.”

“Really?”

Katniss allowed herself a smile along with her nod. “Really. As awkward as I feel admitting this to you, you and Gale are two people on a very short list of those I care about. I want you both to be happy.”

Johanna wanted to groan at the cheesiness of that, but she couldn’t stop her smile or her words.

“For what it’s worth Katniss, you and Gale are both on that same list for me.”

“That’s good.” Katniss smirked. “This would have been even more awkward otherwise.”

Johanna allowed herself a laugh before standing up. She may have allowed this conversation to go on for this long, but she couldn’t allow herself anymore emotional confessions.

“Come on,” she said. “Let’s go see if Annie and Peeta are ready for breakfast.”

As the two made their way to the kitchen where Peeta and Annie sat eating and chatting, Johanna had already forgotten about the coldness she had felt in the house earlier that morning.


	12. Hope

_“My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.” - Maya Angelou_

“We need to talk.”

Gale’s voice broke through the calming noises of the woods that had been luring Johanna into a calm, almost half asleep state. She turned to look at him in confusion.

“Talk about what?”

“Your trip to District 4. You haven’t mentioned it once since you got back, and every time I try to bring it up, you change the subject.”

Johanna shrugged. “I figured you wouldn’t want to talk about it.”

“Why? All I ask is if you had a good time, and you shrug it off.”

Johanna shrugged. “There’s not much to tell. I did have a good time, but I’ve already told you that. Not much happened. That’s why I have nothing to say, not because I’m trying to avoid it. Why are you so concerned about it? Is there something you’re worried about?”

Gale frowned. “No, of course not.” He allowed himself to collapse back against the grass, arm pushing up against Johanna’s.

Johanna pushed her elbow into his arm and her knee into his leg where they laid side-by-side.

“There is though. You want to know something. It’s Katniss, isn’t it? You want to talk about Katniss, but you want me to bring her up.”

Gale didn’t say anything, just stared up towards the sky.

Johanna propped herself up on her elbow and continued, “And you don’t want to say that because you think I’ll be jealous, but I won’t be. Katniss and I talked about you, you know. She knows everything that’s happened between us, and she’s happy for us.”

Gale nodded. “I figured she would be.”

“And I’m not bothered by you asking about her. You don’t seem to get that.”

Gale looked away from her, not sure how to voice his thoughts, so Johanna continued.

“She’s your best friend. You have every right to wonder about her. You even have every right to care about her more than me, not that I’m saying you do.” She tacked on the last bit quickly as she saw Gale prepare to respond. “She’s your best friend, and I’m not sure what we are to each other yet.”

Gale opened his mouth to say something, but Johanna cut him off again. “And I’m okay with that too. I’m fine with just seeing where this goes. As long as we don’t have sex at any point in the future where you start screaming her name, I think I’ll be good.”

Gale turned red and went back to not looking Johanna in the eye. “I don’t think that’ll be a problem,” he mumbled.

“That’s good. You know, I always thought Katniss would be awkward during sex anyway. You should've seen her face that one time I stripped down in front of her. She looked like she wanted to sink into the floor, and I’m a girl. It’s not like I was showing her anything she hadn’t seen before.”

“You strip- What?” Gale sputtered, looking up at Johanna from where he still laid on the ground.

Johanna smirked. “I suppose you wouldn’t know about that. Yeah, it was before the Quarter Quell. I shared an elevator with her and the District 12 team after our interviews. We’d all seen how she reacted to stripping down Lover Boy in her first games, so I thought I’d have some fun.”

Gale’s face had yet to lose any of its redness as he looked up at Johanna, picturing the scene. He finally started smiling and shook his head in amusement.

“You are something else, Johanna Mason.”

Now it was Johanna’s turn to blush as Gale reached out to wrap an arm around her waist. He maneuvered them both so that she was slightly on top of him, their bodies pressing together.

“I’m glad that me stripping can inspire such admiration.”

She lowered her head down to Gale’s but he turned his head slightly so his lips went to her ear instead.

“I do admire you, Johanna. For a lot more than just the stripping.”

She groaned and lowered her head into the crook of his neck. “Please don’t get sappy on me. I had enough of that with Katniss. We are not like that. We are not going to be like that. I refuse to lower myself to this.”

“So I can’t compliment you?”

“Not like that, you can’t. Short little compliments here and there, those I can deal with. Long, sappy things like that where you start getting emotional are a resounding no.”

“Not even every once and a while?”

“Nope. Never.”

“But everyone wants to be complimented at least sometimes. Come on, Johanna.”

“No. I don’t. It just makes me uncomfortable.”

“You shouldn’t be uncomfortable accepting compliments. Not when someone genuinely means them. I want you to be able to believe me.”

“Maybe I want to feel uncomfortable with it.”

“No one wants to feel uncomfortable. I think you don’t feel worthy of the comments. You can brush the short ones off, but when I get serious, you have to face the fact that you don’t believe any of it, and that’s what bothers you. But I’m not accepting that, Johanna. Everything I said before is true, and you deserve it. I’m not letting you brush it off and not take it to heart. You deserve to hear how amazing you are sometimes. Everyone does.”

“God,” Johanna growled, face still buried in Gale’s neck. She lifted herself up to look him in the eye. “Is this about getting complimented yourself, Hawthorne? Because if you want to hear how gorgeous you are, then I don’t think you need me to tell you. It’s something you already know.”

“I’m not talking about looks,” Gale pushed on. “Although, believe me, you have no problems there either. I’m talking about as a person. You’re an amazing person, Johanna.”

“Gale, I’ve killed people. A lot of people. Just because I wanted to survive. That doesn’t make for an amazing person.”

“I didn’t say you were perfect. No one’s going to come out of one of those goddamn arenas being perfect, but that was something done to you. It’s not as if you became a psychopathic killer just because you could. Anyone’s survival instinct would kick in during the games. You were just lucky enough to have survived it. It’s like the war. No one comes out of that looking like a saint either. That doesn’t mean we’re all the scum of the earth. We were doing what we thought we had to do.

“None of us are perfect, Johanna, and I know you’re not either. That doesn’t mean you don’t have just as many good things about you as bad. More good actually, and I want to you to notice those.”

Johanna scoffed. “When did you become such an optimist.”

“I’ll have you know that I’ve always been a realist. This is being a realist.”

“Whatever you want to believe about the world, Hawthorne.”

“Johanna,” Gale said gently, making sure her attention was completely on him. “I will make you see that you’re worthy of this.” He motioned between them. “Because that’s the only way this is going to work. You have to see that you’re worthy of being cared about, of being loved, and I don’t know when I decided that it was my mission to do that, but at some point I did. You can try to bring yourself down as much as you want, but you can’t live the rest of your life like that. I won’t let you.”

Johanna was really frowning at him now. “But you can’t live your life like that. You can’t just say you’re going to fix me because what if you don’t? That’s not how relationships work. They don’t magically fix anything. If you believe that then we both wind up miserable forever. I won’t do that to you.”

“Then don’t. I’m not expecting you to suddenly see how amazing you are out of nowhere, Johanna, but you can pull yourself out of that. You have to for your own sake, not for me. Will you just try, please? For yourself?”

“Gale.” Johanna choked over his name. “I can’t. I can’t promise that.”

She was crying now and unable to stop the flow of tears. Gale held her to his chest and let her cry, pressing his lips to her temple.

“It’ll be okay,” he assured her. “We’ll get there.”


	13. Song

_“Music, at its essence, is what gives us memories. And the longer a song has existed in our lives, the more memories we have of it.” - Stevie Wonder_

Gale stopped, hand hovering over the doorknob as he heard the music playing inside of Johanna’s room. He knew she’d gotten a music player not long after she heard his the night of the military ball, but even after seeing it in her room on multiple occasions, he’d never heard her use it. He’d wondered briefly in the past what music Johanna Mason would listen to, but it had never been a pressing enough curiosity to ask her about it. He imagined it would be one of the many things she was uncomfortable sharing with him.

Now Gale listened to the melody that he could only make out through the door if he listened closely. He didn’t recognize the music, but that wasn’t surprising. The lyrics of the song sounded like something from District 7. The last time Johanna was able to truly enjoy music would have been back before she’d been exposed to anything other than life in District 7.

Johanna was singing along with the recording. Gale had never heard her voice before, but he could still recognize it as hers. She didn’t have a voice like the recording artists from the Capitol or even one like Katniss’s that managed to hold people’s attention. Still, there was something about Johanna’s voice that Gale enjoyed. He thought it was that he could hear the emotion coming through as she sang. She wasn’t trying to hide anything like she usually did. She was opening herself up, and Gale could hear it.

He knew that as soon as he knocked on the door, the moment would be shattered. Johanna would be startled and quickly switch the music off, probably not knowing for sure if she could have been heard through the door. Gale would pretend he’d never heard anything because, if she knew he had, Johanna’s guard would go up stronger than before. He might never hear her sing again.

The song came to a close, and Gale knew that if he didn’t make his presence known now, he’d stand out here for ages just listening to her. He brought his hand up to the door and knocked, hoping this wouldn’t be the last time he would find evidence of Johanna feeling so content.


	14. Fire

_“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.” - Ann Landers_

One of the aspects of military life often seen as the most exciting to Gale’s peers was the testing of the bombs. Almost every final weapon had a prototype that had to be detonated before more of the design were built and stored away for future use. A new law in the Constitution of Panem had declared that no weapon would be used by the country unless it had been tested and the consequences of it were recorded. Gale knew a lot of the officials had been against it. The entire thing had been the workings of bureaucrats who everyone here in District 2 liked to make fun of for sticking their noses in military business while knowing nothing about the military itself.

Gale, on the other hand, wasn’t against these tests in the slightest. That day in the Capitol had solidified a deeper understanding in Gale of what these weapons were capable of doing to people, and he was fully behind understanding the weapons in way that could only be done if they were used at least once without harmful intent.

That didn’t mean he liked being here. Gale had thought he’d made it through the war relatively unscathed. He wasn’t seeing a psychologist regularly in order to evaluate his mental state like Johanna was forced to do if she wanted to keep her job, and maybe that’s why he was so convinced that he’d come out of the war mentally fine. He’d had a few losses that hurt him, and he’d been uprooted from his home, but he wasn’t as bad off as many of the others that he knew.

But Gale was starting to think that no one lived through the war without struggling to be at peace in their own minds. He had been well enough to receive dismissal from regular therapy sessions that some soldiers who continued on after the rebellion had to attend, but this testing was doing something to him that he had yet to experience. He hadn’t realized until they were out at the testing site that this was the first time he would see a detonation since the one of his own design that had ended the war. That alone was enough to make him wary of the experience. Still, he powered through it. This was his job. He had no choice. No one was getting hurt. It would be dropped on an empty field where the only life was some insects and, at the most, small animals. Gale had never hesitated about killing such things before.

Gale knew all of this. So why did that day in the Capitol keep replaying though his head as he went about the motions of readying the bomb? He couldn’t stop the irrational fear that some hapless human would wander in right as the bomb fell. It was ridiculous for a number of reasons. There were no humans out here other than soldiers who knew to stay out of the fire, and if any human did, by some strange struck of luck, happen upon them, they would be stopped by one of the countless soldiers guarding the area. This was as safe as dropping a bomb could get.

But dropping a bomb was never safe. Gale hadn’t fully gotten that before the bomb that killed Prim. Not in the real, tangible sense that he got it now. He knew the Panem military needed bombs. It was a fact. Bombs were necessary in case war broke out, and sometimes war was unavoidable. They’d welcomed it when they were the rebellion. It had been the only way out. The only way to improve the world. They wouldn’t have won without bombs.

Bombs were necessary, so Gale designed them. He designed them without much hesitance even, but he was struggling to help detonate one. He wasn’t even performing the actual act of detonating the bomb. His handling of the bomb had been limited to loading it into the hovercraft that would drop it. Now he just had to stand here on the ground and watch it explode.

The area was calm as they waited for the hovercraft with the bomb to come. The highest ranking officer had yet to give the go ahead. Apparently soldiers on the opposite side of the open expanse weren’t in their safe area. They’d flown out here on hovercrafts in order to be as far away from people as possible, and the mountains of District 2 rose up in the distance. Gale had never seen them from this far away. They formed a jagged line against the horizon. Gale had always known there were many of them, but it was striking to see more of the range than you ever could when you were within it.

The wind blew freely out here, not blocked by the mountains or any trees. Gale kept referring to the area as a field in his head, but this was desert. He wasn’t used to this sort of environment. He’d never been out here before, and he could already understand why any humans had long ago abandoned towns in this particular part of Panem. Gale thought District 10 had some desert as well, which made sense. There would be plenty of free area for the livestock. Gale doubted the humans spent much time out in this wilderness though. He much prefered to have trees around him.

The officer began shouting, signaling the hovercraft’s proximity. Gale hunkered down like he’d been instructed to and waited. The hovercraft zoomed overhead, dropping the bomb without slowing.

The explosion disrupted the otherwise calm area, but there were no animals capable of being distressed. Gale imagined dropping a bomb in a forest would result in a cacophony of birds rising up out of the trees, but as soon as this particular explosion was over, the area returned to silence. Anything that had been disturbed was incapable of making detectable noise.

Everyone stepped out to take a closer look as soon as the danger was over. Gale took in the damage. And there was clearly damage. There had been almost nothing where the bomb hit, yet it had left telltale signs of its presence. Sand and dirt splayed across the ground in a way it hadn’t before the detonation, and several cacti were now missing, all signs that they had been there completely gone.

Gale sighed, thankful that the moment was over but not thankful for the image the cacti had produced for him of what would happen to any humans in this bomb’s path. It would be necessary, Gale reminded himself. One of his designs wouldn’t be dropped unnecessarily again. They were at peace, and Gale fully believed they would stay at peace for the foreseeable future. They’d made real change happen.

Gale stood to the side as other soldiers walked across the area where the bomb had detonated in their special protective clothing. Gale wore enough to protect him from any unexpected damage, but he still stood by as he watched the others traversing the scorched earth. There may not have been much here before, but now everything was dead. Gale knew the earth would repair itself and all would be set right, but it didn’t create good images in Gale’s head about what would happen to a town if this bomb were to be dropped over it.

He was oddly quiet as they finished up their work at the site and got into the hover cars that would fly them back to base. The other soldiers sensed his mood and left him alone with his thoughts. Gale probably seemed odd to them. A soldier whose entire job revolved around these bombs sulking after one was set off instead of rejoicing that it worked exactly as planned. The success wasn’t surprising though. Gale had known that was exactly what would happen. Maybe that was why he didn’t care much that it had.

Johanna’s presence in his room once he got there was expected. They’d given up all pretense of Johanna trying to sleep in her own room several weeks ago when Gale got tired of her continually showing up in the middle of the night and waking him.

The trip into the desert to test the bomb had taken all day, and Gale was exhausted, although not entirely from the traveling. He offered Johanna a small smile in greeting but didn’t say much as he collapsed onto the bed, not bothering to remove the uniform he still wore. Johanna leaned over him from where she sat on the bed clothed in baggy pajamas.

Although they now shared a bed nightly, they each remained mostly reserved with the other. Gale thought back to Johanna Mason, The Victor who he remembered seeing on TV. She’d always been so sensual, constantly put into costumes that showed off her body, and Johanna had used that as an asset in order to assure her survival. Gale would admit it had given him a certain idea about her. One that had been shattered soon after meeting her.

In reality, Johanna never cared about her clothes. She wore the military uniform without complaint, and she’d be just as happy naked as she was in any sort of clothing. But the Johanna Mason on TV had given off the impression of being an overtly sexual person, and Gale had realized a long time ago that that image was one forced upon her, just as it had been Finnick. The real Johanna had no reserves when it came to other’s seeing her body, but she was hesitant about anything even remotely intimate. Gale understood, of course, why she was so hesitant to get close to anyone.

All of this meant that Gale and Johanna slept in the same bed every night, a small single bed at that, but touched very little. They definitely touched far less than the guys Gale worked with liked to joke about now that they’d discovered the arrangement. They’d been impressed that Gale had managed to “wrangle” Johanna Mason, The Victor. They even used that word, wrangle, as if she were some sort of wild animal. They didn’t say any of it to her face, and Gale thought they’d be too afraid to try. That was what caused them to be so surprised that Gale had any sort of a relationship with her. They hadn’t thought she’d let anyone as close as she had let Gale.

While the guys had these grand ideas about what Gale and Johanna got up to, the reality was much simpler than that. They kissed. They kissed a lot, but almost nothing more than that. Johanna would stiffen and pull away if she suspected there was any possibility that things were beginning to go farther, and Gale still wasn’t sure why as she never spoke about it. Gale knew they’d tried to force sex on her in the Capitol. He’d learned that much from her, but not much else. He didn’t know any details about it, and he was hesitant to push her on something that obviously upset her. Gale wondered if that was the problem. If Johanna was unable to separate anything they did from what was forced on her in the past. Or if she was scared of being vulnerable to Gale emotionally. Or if she was just worried about losing him if they got closer. It was probably a combination of all of it, and that amount of baggage worried Gale a bit, he’d admit.

“What’s wrong?” Johanna asked after she’d been staring down at him for quite a while.

Gale sighed. It wasn’t that he didn’t want her to know. The idea of explaining it all just sounded exhausting.

He decided to say, “Designing a bomb is a lot different than seeing what it can do with your own eyes.”

Johanna nodded, somehow understanding what he meant, and Gale closed his eyes, thankful he didn’t have to say anything else. He felt Johanna’s body brush his, and then the pillow sunk down beside him as Johanna laid down. They were in the same positions that they usually began in, but whereas Gale slept relatively still, Johanna would be sprawled out within half an hour of falling asleep. That was the biggest reason Gale thought he needed a bigger bed. Johanna liked her space, and while he didn’t really mind her draped across him, she seemed to. That was the only reason he could come up with for why she started out sleeping in a position she was obviously so uncomfortable in.

“You know I’ve never seen one,” Johanna commented, pulling Gale unwillingly from his half state of sleep.

“Hm?” he hummed questioningly.

“A bomb,” Johanna clarified. “I’ve never seen one go off. All of the crazy things I’ve seen and not one of them was a bomb.”

“You should be thankful for that.” Gale brushed his hand along hers. He was always hesitant to begin touching her even though she never showed any indication of minding touches of this sort.

Johanna let out a long breath. “I am,” she said. “I just thought it was odd.”

“Bombs are typically the last resort because they have such long lasting effects,” Gale pointed out. “They used them during the uprising before the games, and then they didn’t have to use them again until District 12. It’s hard to forget what they do. The damage alone serves as a deterrent against furthering the war. It’s how the Capitol won the first time, and it’s how we won this time.”

Gale felt her nod more than he saw it. She perched herself up on her elbow while laying on her side in order to get a clear look at his face.

“I know you know this even if you won’t accept it, but it wasn’t your fault.”

Gale would have played dumb, but that would have meant Johanna would push on in order to explain what exactly wasn’t Gale’s fault. All things that he didn’t want to hear, especially now when he just wanted to sleep.

“I know, but thanks for saying so anyway.”

Johanna nodded at his acceptance and then did something very uncharacteristic of her. She snuggled up to Gale’s side, resting her head on his chest. Gale wrapped one of his arms around her even as he remained confused. This was closer than she would typically get even while sprawling out in the middle of the night. They were never this close unless they were kissing. Gale didn’t comment on it, too scared he would startle Johanna. He enjoyed having her against his side as they drifted off into sleep.


	15. Lost

_“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” - Henry David Thoreau_

Gale glanced anxiously over at Johanna at his side. They’d been out here in the woods together countless times, but this was the first time he’d clutched a bow in his hand as well. Johanna never came along on his rare hunting trips. Mostly because they were a time he utilized for solitude. Gale didn’t find much enjoyment in hunting for the sake of hunting. He’d started in order to feed his family and just learned to not hate it. Now that it was no longer necessary, Gale was far too preoccupied with other things, like work and Johanna, to bother hunting much. He loved the woods, but that was because he loved having nature all around him. He found the walks with Johanna more enjoyable than hunting.

This particular hunting trip had been Johanna’s idea. She’d commented out of the blue that she’d never been hunting outside of an arena and was curious about it, so Gale figured he might as well offer to take her. He didn’t have anything against it, and she wanted to try it. He had no excuse to not take her.

Gale thought most victors would make good hunters, with the possible exceptions of Peeta Mellark and Annie Cresta, because hunting humans was a necessary aspect of winning the games, so he wasn’t expecting teaching Johanna to be difficult. She’d never used a bow before though, which lead to a lesson in that before they had even made it into the woods.

Gale only owned one bow, and the guns on base were owned by the military and their use strictly monitored. They weren’t allowed off of base for activities like hunting, and few of them would have been useful for shooting animals anyway. That meant the two of them had no choice but to share one bow between them, which was probably better when Johanna didn’t know what she was doing.

Johanna’s footsteps were light. She knew how to not draw attention to herself. Gale was thankful that he didn’t have to teach something like that, which was something you were either born with or had to develop over a long length of time. He wouldn’t have been able to show her in a day just like Katniss hadn’t been able to teach it to the, admittedly wounded, Mellark during their first games.

Gale tried to think back to Johanna’s games. He’d been fourteen at the time, and he remembered how he’d paid close attention to the District 7 female tribute because he thought she was attractive. It was almost laughable now because this was when Johanna was pretending to be weak and defenseless. Gale had felt sorry for her, and then she’d turned into a ruthless killer who was terrifying but also earned quite a bit of Gale’s respect.

Memories of Johanna hunting down the other tributes in her games floated through Gale’s mind, and he knew that she could do this as long as she figured out how to use the bow. It didn’t take long for Gale’s beliefs to be confirmed. Johanna spotted a rabbit before Gale could and motioned silently for the bow he still held in his hands.

He handed it to her, watching with curiosity to see how well she’d do after such limited practice shooting at an unmoving target. Johanna was careful with it, patient in a way that Gale rarely saw from her. Her eyes followed the rabbit just the way Gale had instructed her, but it was difficult to teach someone how to aim without them being able to do it on their own. There was sure to be a few tries where they had to adjust and figure it out without assistance.

It took several minutes for Johanna to begin to pull the arrow back. She’d taken her time trying to aim. Gale expected she’d be extremely angry once it didn’t hit. She was close, Gale could tell, but he didn’t think she’d get that lucky with her first shot at an animal.

Gale watched as Johanna let the arrow fly. It soared towards the rabbit but landed inches away, causing the rabbit to bolt in fear. Gale stepped a bit closer, inspecting where the arrow had landed.

“If the rabbit hadn’t moved at the last second, you probably would have had it. There’s a lesson in anticipating the prey’s actions.”

Johanna didn’t respond verbally, just rolled her eyes. Gale could tell she was frustrated with herself, but she’d take it out on him if he said that outloud.

“It was a good shot,” he continued. “Better than most would have made. You’ll get there quickly if you keep trying.”

Gale had realized before they left the base that they wouldn’t be coming back until Johanna had made a kill. Her pride wouldn’t allow it. The determined, and now slightly angry, look on her face only solidified what Gale already knew.

Johanna took the arrow out of Gale’s hand and set off into the woods again, not making sure that Gale was following. She carried the bow now, arrow already notched. Gale sensed how determined she was to kill something quickly. She was more on edge now than she’d been before. That would hinder her chances, but Gale didn’t want to tell her that and risk her snapping at him. Instead, he followed quietly behind, letting her do what she wished.

A squirrel was Johanna’s next target. Gale cringed inwardly. There was less of a squirrel to hit than a rabbit, and he didn’t have high hopes about Johanna’s chances. He almost spoke up but decided at the last moment to let her take the risk. At least if she did hit it due to a stroke of luck, she would get what she wanted. Gale’s frown deepened as the arrow embedded in the tree bark and Johanna let out a growl of frustration. She stomped over to it and yanked it out, causing Gale to cringe over the possible damage she had inflicted upon the arrow.

He continued to say nothing as he followed her through the woods. They were out deep in the woods now, much further than they usually traveled on their walks. Johanna wasn’t paying attention to where she was going as she was far too concerned with potential targets. Gale had been keeping track, but even he was beginning to become a bit disoriented due to the winding, uncaring path Johanna took.

Gale spoke up, risking her anger. “We should start heading back. We’ve gone pretty far out.” She turned to glare at him, but he continued on. “You can still find something on the way back. It’ll take just as long to get there as it did here.”

He was actually hoping it wouldn’t as he planned to lead them on a more direct path than the one Johanna had taken, but she didn’t have to know that. He could see her stubbornness to continue on, but she also realized how late it was getting, which eventually led her to concede and follow Gale back the way they had come. Even though she was behind him now, Gale knew she was still looking for prey, and she had him stop several times in order to aim and shoot at various animals. Although she had yet to make an actual kill, she was getting closer. Gale hoped she’d manage something before they got back, or she’d be intolerable for the rest of the night.

They were nearly back to base when Johanna managed to actually hit a rabbit. The arrow skimmed the animal’s body, not delving deep enough to kill it. The animal scurried away, but Gale knew it couldn’t make it far. Johanna was satisfied with herself, but Gale didn’t waste time. He grabbed the bow and an arrow from Johanna and hurried off to where the animal had scurried. It wouldn’t do to let it suffer and die meaninglessly.

It didn’t take long for Gale to come upon the rabbit, who was incapable of escaping. He shot it quickly, ending it’s pain, and returned to Johanna, who was looking incredibly pleased with herself.

“Congratulations,” Gale said wryly. “You may not have killed it, but it didn’t manage to make it very far.”

He held the animal up for inspection, and Johanna nodded absentmindedly as she took in the bloody body.

“But I hit it,” she said with a small smile.

“You hit it,” Gale confirmed. He was smiling now too, thankful that Johanna was in a better mood. “And I’m sure you’ll do even better next time, but it’s getting dark. we should get back.”

Johanna nodded and trailed along beside Gale instead of behind him on their way back to base.

“We’re doing this again soon,” Johanna said as they exited the woods. “I’m going to be the one to kill it next time.”


	16. Play

_“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.” - Albert Einstein_

Johanna let out a moan as Gale’s hands caressed her. Moments like this had become her favorite moments. She could make out with Gale forever and not mind at all. At least she could until things started getting too heated, and then Johanna wasn’t able to stop the panic that built inside of her as she anxiously pulled away and put a stop to what they were doing.

Only half of the time was her hesitance brought on by something Gale did. Johanna would find herself moving to deepen things as well, a decision that she knew was aligned with what a part of her mind wanted, but she’d panic at the last second and stop both of them.

They hadn’t discussed it. Gale accepted each time it happened without question, but Johanna doubted he understood what exactly it was that bothered her. No one knew every bit to the truth. She wondered if Gale suspected that there had been someone in her past. Some boy that she’d fallen madly in love with that was taken away from her by the Capitol at the same time they killed her family. It would have been a romantic story. Much more appealing than the truth.

With her thoughts weighing on her, Johanna pulled away. To Gale, these moments were always abrupt, but Johanna didn’t pull away completely like she usually did. Instead, she stayed within his arms as she debated how to broach the topic with him after so long.

“I’ve never been in love before,” she said suddenly. She hadn’t put together what she wanted to say, but that was what came out.

“We don’t have to-”

She stopped Gale with a wave of her hand. “I want to. I think I need to get this off my chest.”

Johanna still sat in Gale’s lap. She continued with her story while focusing her gaze on his shoulder, only looking up at his eyes for brief glances.

“I’ve never been in love before, but I did have sex a few times with this boy I went to school with. It was after my games, you see, and all these people I used to go to school with seemed impressed with what I’d done. I thought it was amazing at first how they reacted to me. I think all the guys thought it would be cool to be with me, and even though I knew it was really shallow, I played into it.

“It probably would have become a thing actually if it hadn’t ended with the first one like it did. You might know this from Katniss, but Snow was great at keeping track of our movements. I was still easing into the idea of being famous for being a murderer by the time my victory tour rolled around. I’d been with one guy maybe three times. It wasn’t anything serious. Just fun for both of us and bragging rights for him. But then, during my victory tour, Snow approached me for the first time about sleeping with these Capitol people who paid for me. I didn’t want to do it of course and resisted. He killed that boy first. I didn’t even care about him much, but he was dead because of me.

“It made me so angry that I kept resisting Snow until everyone I loved was dead. He never managed to make me do it. I never slept with anyone for money. Once everyone I loved was gone, Snow figured out he had no way of threatening me. I became so hostile that I don’t think people were eager to attempt anything with me when there were options like Finnick around.

“Anyway, that boy’s the only one I ever had sex with. After that happened, I didn’t want to bring death to anyone else, so I started pulling away from everyone. I hardly had friends after that who weren’t victors whose fates I couldn’t worsen, and that’s why I pull away from you all the time.

“Even though I know that’s all over now, I can’t shake this terrible feeling that if I sleep with you, you’re going to wind up dead soon after. I know it’s irrational now that Snow’s gone, but for years it was how I had to think. I can’t get past it.”

Gale had listened to all of this intently with a frown creasing his forehead.

“You will,” he said. “I know it can’t be easy to turn around that way of thinking, but you’ve already learned to open yourself up more over the past year, Johanna. You’re getting there.”

She nodded. “I just wish it was happening faster.”

Gale wrapped his arms tighter around her waist and dropped a quick kiss to her lips.

“You can take as much time as you need.”

Johanna smiled through the tears she was struggling to hold back. “Thank you.”

Gale shook his head. “Don’t thank me. I’m being a decent human being, not doing you an extravagant favor.”

“You are though,” she urged. “Most people wouldn’t put up with this. They’d have moved on to someone with less baggage. Someone who hasn’t kissed you and nothing more for an entire six months.”

“We’ve been friends for more than a year now, Johanna. Our relationship has nothing to do with whether or not we have sex.”

“Well, no. I know that, but-”

“Don’t,” Gale stopped her. “I care about you. I’ve tried to make that pretty clear in the past. I didn’t expect it to go this far at first. I never even expected to see you again after the war, but somehow we got here, and I’m extremely thankful for that.

“Johanna, you’ve become the most important person in my life. What I care about is you. I don’t need sex to survive. Would I like to sleep with you at some point in the future? Yes, but I’m okay with waiting if that’s what’s best for you.”

Johanna relaxed and smiled at him.

“For what it’s worth,” she said. “I want to sleep with you too. I’ve wanted to for a long time, even if it doesn’t seem like it.”

Gale offered her a comforting smile.

“It’s just that, sometimes, I’m jerking away before I even realize it. It’s like this irrational part of my mind starts controlling all of my actions, and I can’t stop it no matter how hard I try.”

“We’re always going a bit farther,” Gale pointed out. “I think you’re getting more comfortable with it every day, even if you don’t realize it.”

Johanna sighed and rested her forehead on his shoulder. “I hope you’re right.”

“Johanna,” Gale said, tilting her face up to look at him again. “It’ll be okay. I’m not going anywhere, and we’ll make it there.”

For the first time, Johanna believed his words.

“I know,” she assured him, leaning in to kiss him again.


	17. Run

_“You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; in just the same way, you learn to love by loving.” - Anatole France_

Johanna despised rain. When she was younger, it hadn’t been bad. She’d loved playing in it, but it always meant going home sooner than usual in order to avoid catching a cold. Then she’d be stuck indoors all day. But the brief time she was allowed to play in the water made up for it. When she was a bit older and learned that the rain was responsible for everything growing, she’d liked it even more.

When she got too old to be playing in the rain, she’d become indifferent to it. She wasn’t bothered by walking through it and getting wet. If that was the weather that day, Johanna accepted it. That was the attitude she carried for most of her life until the Capitol decided to change it.

That seemed to be the cruelest thing the Capitol had done to her. They hadn’t just tortured her. They’d tortured her using the very thing that all life depended on: water. Johanna couldn’t think of anything worse to turn someone against. The storm raining down on District 2 right now might have assured that life went on here, but it was causing Johanna to hide inside where it was dry. She may have mastered the art of showering, but that involved careful maneuvering where her head was only under the water for seconds at a time in order to wash it. She couldn’t stand under the spray and let the water pour over her head. That was unavoidable with rain.

Johanna glanced at Gale as she heard him sigh. He’d gotten off work fifteen minutes ago, and he was already tired of sitting in here with her. He’d probably be out in the rain if it hadn’t been for her.

“You can go do something else if you want,” she told him for the third time.

Gale shook his head. “There’s nothing else to do. I’m fine with staying dry today. There’s just not much to do in here even if there’s nowhere else I want to be.”

They’d probably be kissing if it weren’t for the pitter patter of rain hitting the wall on one side of the room. Johanna wasn’t even able to sit on the bed. It was too close to the window where she could see the rain pounding against the glass. She could already hear it no matter where she sat in the room. Johanna had turned on her music as soon as it started, but it wasn’t quite drowning out the downpour. Gale had found her sitting right next to the speaker when he arrived at her room, but even then she’d still heard the rain. She felt like a five-year-old, but even five-year-olds were scared of the thunder and lightning, not the water. This storm didn’t contain either of those. It was just water, and Johanna was cowering like a child.

She looked at Gale, who sat in the chair across the coffee table from her. He was watching her closely. Johanna was unsure if he was searching for something specific in her face or if he just had nothing else to occupy his attention. His expression wasn’t giving anything away.

“What did you use to do when it rained?” she asked him, wanting any sort of distraction she could get at the moment.

Gale shrugged. “Sometimes Katniss and I would hunt in it. If I was at home, I’d play with my siblings or sometimes help my mom with anything that needed to be done. Little kids have very active imaginations. I think they liked the rain because it meant I was more likely to play with them.”

Johanna nodded, thinking back to her own childhood. “My little siblings were like that too.”

It was the first time she’d mentioned them to Gale, and she couldn’t quite believe that she had. Almost a year and a half on this base, and not once had she gone into the specifics of her family. She glanced up at Gale again to see him watching her intently, little emotion on his face. He didn’t seem eager to say anything. Instead, he just waited to see if she would go on.

Johanna listened to the rain outside for several minutes, debating whether the fear of discussing the past could trump the fear of listening to the rain. It didn’t, but she’d made it this far and decided to continue anyway.

“I had two of them. Younger siblings, I mean. They were both boys, and then I had an older sister.” She avoided saying their names, not having said them out loud in years. “The boys were always rough housing with each other, but my sister and I pretty much ignored them. I never gave it much thought until later, but now I think they bothered us so much because it was the only attention we’d give them.

“She and I didn’t talk much either. We did when we were little, but by the time I was reaped, we had different friends to spend time with. I think she was scared of me after my games. We never talked much before she was killed. My brothers were really impressed though. They thought what I’d done was cool, but I think they were a little scared too, which made me scared of them. Even my parents seemed frightened of me sometimes.”

Tears were running down her cheeks, and she made no move to stop them. Gale sat there quiet and unmoving as she spoke.

“I hate myself for this, but there’s a small part of me that’s always been thankful they were dead. I don’t have to look any of them in the eyes anymore and see their fear of me. I could pretend like I didn’t scare off my own family.”

The tears were coming down harder, and Johanna could no longer have spoken even if she’d had more to say. She was too consumed with her tears to notice Gale move from his chair and lift her up to slide underneath her and hold her on his lap. His arms wrapped tightly around her, and Johanna sunk into his chest, letting herself really cry for her family for the first time since the months after their deaths years ago.

Gale didn’t say a word, which was more comforting than anything else he could have done. His chin rested on Johanna’s crown, and she took in the comforting scent she had come to associate with him.

She thought of the family that had been so afraid of her. Their fears that she had never even tried to quell. She remembered meeting Gale and seeing the same sort of apprehension whenever he looked at her. Like she was capable of doing terrible things with little remorse. He didn’t look at her like that anymore, yet he still seemed to treat her like she was capable of anything.

It was an odd sort of distinction. When she’d first met Gale, he’d given her the same fearful looks that she had grown used to getting but that weighed down on her. Now his fear was gone, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t aware of what she was capable of doing. Gale knew she was a killer. He knew completely well that she would fight to survive. But not once in the recent months had he hinted that he was scared she would hurt him. Few people had ever succeeded at that in the past.

Johanna thought the games would be over once she left her first arena, and she had been laughably wrong. Aside from the Capitol continuing to treat her like a pawn, everyone around her had always expected to see a killer. It was one of those labels you couldn’t escape. She’d fought because of a survival instinct, not a depraved sense of bloodlust, but now everyone seemed to expect her to kill them over nothing at all as if she were a psychopath. Even these days, with the increased sympathy for the victors who had fought so hard against the Capitol, many of the soldiers here on base continued to give her the same sort of look. It seemed hypocritical when many of them had fought in the war, and many of them had probably killed more people than Johanna. Her kills had just been broadcast on television.

Maybe hers hadn’t had a greater motive like theirs had. She’d just wanted to save her own life and had no sense of bettering life for the rest of the country, but Johanna still didn’t see how her situation made her more of a monster than them in their eyes. Quite a few of the guys here seemed like they’d be rather trigger happy if they were given the chance to go at an enemy. She doubted many would even carry around the guilt that she did, yet she was the one everyone was scared of approaching.

Her tears quieted even as her thoughts continued to be dark. Gale was tracing random shapes on her back with his fingers while his other hand stroked her knee. Johanna listened to his heart beat under her ear to keep the dark thoughts at bay. Eventually she just needed to hear some sort of talking.

“Was it worth it?” she asked, surprising Gale with her voice.

“Was what worth it?” His voice cracked from disuse and, Johanna thought, possibly emotion. Her own stomach fluttered.

“Running away from District 12 to come here.”

“I didn’t run away,” Gale protested even though there was amusement in his voice.

“Whatever you want to call it, was it worth it?”

“I didn’t need to be in District 12 anymore. I needed to be somewhere else. I needed to be here. That wasn’t running away. That was making one of the best decisions of my life.”

Johanna watched him closely, running a finger across his cheek. It had been more than a year since she’d walked up to Gale in that lobby, and she was still unable to believe the change he’d made in her life.

“You don’t ever feel like you’re missing something?” she asked.

Gale shrugged. “I don’t always know what my brothers and sister are up to, but that’s nothing heart-breaking. It’s what kids are supposed to do, right? Grow up and leave the nest. Get their own lives. I don’t have to act like an extra parent to them anymore. They have food on the table, and they have my mother. They don’t need me, and I still get to see them sometimes.”

“Your mother and siblings aren’t the only people in District 12.”

Gale sighed. He’d been hoping they wouldn’t have to discuss this.

“Katniss doesn’t need me either, and I don’t need her. We did, for years. We helped each other survive, but that’s over now. I’m not saying I want her out of my life forever. Someday I hope things are good between us again, but I don’t need her in my life like she was before. I’m still much better off here in District 2.”

Johanna nodded although she wasn’t sure why. Her fingers were still exploring the contours of Gale’s face and neck, and he didn’t seem keen to stop her.

“What about you?” Gale asked. “Was running away from District 7 worth it?”

Unlike Gale, Johanna didn’t try to deny that was what she had been doing. She frowned at the question, debating how to answer.

“It was,” she finally decided. “But I still feel like a coward sometimes.”

“You?” Gale asked. “Johanna Mason feels like a coward? You do remember when you fought to be a soldier back in District 13, don’t you? And when you fought to survive in two arenas? And when you came here to join the military after you’d already seen enough fighting for a million lifetimes?”

“And when all of that was said and done, I still couldn’t stop myself from running away from the ghosts of the past.”

“I think you deserved to run away from something for once.”

Gale turned his face into her hand and left a light kiss on her palm. Johanna couldn’t help but smile.

“I guess that’s one way of looking at it,” she said.

“Based on what you’ve said,” Gale continued. “There wasn’t much left for you in District 7 anyway. It made sense that you would leave. There was less holding you there than there was holding me to District 12, and I’m here without feeling guilty about it at all. Leaving a place that brings you nothing but hurt isn’t cowardly, Johanna. It’s smart.”

Johanna smiled in an almost patronizing fashion. “I wish I could see it like you do.”

Gale sighed. “I do too. You are happier here than you would be there, right?”

“Of course.” Johanna ran her hand across Gale’s chest. “Even with all of the ridiculous paperwork I have to do on a daily basis, I’ll admit that having you around makes up for just about everything.”

Gale leaned in to kiss her quickly before pulling away enough to speak. “I’m glad. Because all of the time we spend together would be ridiculous otherwise.”

“It’s still ridiculous,” she said in faux disgust before leaning into kiss Gale once more.

Gale hummed in agreement but pulled away before she could deepen the kiss with a smirk. “The rain stopped.”

Johanna froze and turned her head to look in the direction of the window with surprise. She had managed to forget it had ever been raining in the first place.

“Huh.” She looked out the window to the cloudy sky. Water had ceased hitting the glass.

She turned back to Gale to see him still smirking at her. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

“Didn’t you?”

Gale shook his head. “I was only trying to keep you from remembering.”

Johanna frowned in contemplation as she looked at him. If anyone had told her a year before that Gale Hawthorne would be doing these sorts of things for her, she would have called them crazy and been disgusted. Now she was struggling to keep a smile from her face.

“Thank you,” she whispered as she leaned her face towards his once more.


	18. Wild

_“Everyone likes birds. What wild creature is more accessible to our eyes and ears, as close to us and everyone in the world, as universal as a bird?” - David Attenborough_

A year and a half was far too long to ignore the only place he’d known for eighteen years. He’d given himself and Katniss more than enough time to heal. According to his mother, Katniss had done just that. Besides, hadn’t Gale told Johanna that he hadn’t run away? If that were true, then he had to get over his nervousness and just go to District 12. He had to face Katniss and even Peeta. That was the only way to fully put the past behind them.

It had been a great week. It was nearing a year since Gale’s family had visited District 2, and the passing months had caused quite a lot of changes with all three of his younger siblings. Since then Rory had picked up a girlfriend with whom things were as serious as they could be at their age, Vick’s voice had dropped leaving Gale startled when he’d greeted him at the train station, and even Posy looked like she was about to enter the throes of puberty, a terrifying thought that Gale was unwilling to accept.

His family weren’t the only people he’d been missing though. He’d seen various old friends over the past several days. It was hard to walk through what had formerly been the Seam without coming across someone to stop and talk to about how their lives were these days. Gale had forgotten what it was like to live in a place where so many people had known you since childhood. It was a far different feeling than District 2 no matter how many of them he had come to know.

Both the town and Seam were nearly unrecognizable now that they’d been rebuilt. The Seam was a different thing entirely. New buildings dotted the area, many of them small yet nicer than anything that had been there before. Gale had few doubts that the Seam would be able to rival the town from now on. It’s occupants would no longer be looked down upon as inferior. Everyone was starting from scratch and facing the same opportunities.

The buildings in town also appeared nicer since they no longer showed the age they had in the past. Everything was in a different place now, more organized than ever before, and Gale found that he no longer knew his way around. This wasn’t the place where he’d grown up even though it retained much of its familiarity. He may have known many of the people, but he didn’t know the buildings that made up the landscape. And changes seemed to be happening so quickly that he wasn’t sure he could have kept up even if he’d been living here. No, this wasn’t quite his home anymore. He was having a startling realization that District 2 really was where he belonged now. The District 12 he remembered was a thing of the past, and this new District 12 wasn’t his home.

He’d wandered past the bakery multiple times since arriving, but he’d worked against his instinct to go inside. It wouldn’t do to see Peeta before Katniss, even if it would be easier.

Gale had yet to see his best friend, and he’d been here a week. He wasn’t sure if he should still think of her as his best friend after so much time had passed. If he slipped up and said it out loud to her, he might create an uncomfortable situation for the both of them, but he couldn’t stop thinking of her that way. She’d probably always have the title, even if they never spoke again.

This wasn’t the first time he’d been out in the woods. There hadn’t been a doubt in his mind that this would be the place he was most drawn to upon arriving. Everywhere he’d ever been in the district itself was gone except for Katniss’s Victor’s Village house that he was avoiding. The woods, however, were as familiar as they had always been. Sure, things had changed like they always had from season to season and year to year, but it was still the same woods he’d spent most of his time in and the woods where he’d befriended Katniss. The woods of District 12 gave off a distinctly different feel than the woods of District 2, and Gale felt more at home here than anywhere else in the district, save with his family.

Of course, there was another important reason for being in the woods: Katniss. It would have been a lot easier to go to her house and knock on the door. Or Peeta’s door, rather, because according to his mother that’s where she was. It didn’t surprise him. She certainly seemed to be there today, as she hadn’t been out here and he hadn’t come across her in town either. He’d at least caught a few glimpses of Peeta through the bakery window. The man didn’t seem to be actively avoiding him. Katniss definitely was.

Gale had begun to wonder if they would even speak to each other while he was here. For the first several days, he’d thought she just needed to prepare herself for the idea of finally talking to him again, but as the days passed and she continued to avoid the woods, Gale began to think that she had decided to live her life without him in it in any capacity.

But then why was she still so close to his family? She talked to Hazelle all the time, even asked about Gale according to his mother. She still cared about him, of that he was certain. How could she not want to see him after so long? She finally had a good life here. Everything that his mother had told him had supported the idea that she was happy now. She had to be ready to put the past behind them and rekindle their friendship. Gale couldn’t see how she wouldn’t be.

He’d been coming across traps here and there over the past several days that had clearly been set by Katniss. He couldn’t help but stop and inspect her work every time he saw one. He was the one who had taught her how to do this after all. She’d gotten even better at it since he left. He supposed she had to since he’d done most of the traps for them when they hunted together. She didn’t have that luxury anymore.

Gale was inspecting one such trap when he heard the rustling behind him. Katniss may have moved quieter than anyone else Gale knew, but even she couldn’t avoid disturbing some of her surroundings, and Gale had learned exactly what to listen for.

“Katniss,” he said before even turning around.

She was frozen in place by the time he faced her, backing away from him. He could sense her nervousness from here, and he knew she had been hoping not to come across him. She should have known better than to expect him to avoid the woods. He stood still as he waited for her to collect herself. He’d called to her, so now it was her turn to show that she was ready for this.

Gale held his breath as she finally turned around to look at him. “Gale.” Her voice cracked. Some would have taken it as a sign of anger, but Gale knew she felt startled.

“Katniss,” he repeated, taking in the changes in her appearance as he stood from where he’d been stooped over a trap. She looked healthier, which was to be expected when she had easy access to food and no one was trying to kill her. Gale took in the slight fullness of her cheeks. She seemed to have gained a slight amount of weight, but it was in a good, healthy way that helped her look better fed. There was more than that though. Her eyes, even as frightened as they looked now, didn’t seem tired as they always had in the past. There was still the hint of someone there who had suffered, but she looked far happier than Gale could ever remember her except perhaps when she had interacted with Prim.

“I’ve been coming out here every day,” he continued. “I kept wondering if I’d see you.”

She hesitated before responding. “I’ve been busy. Couldn’t hunt.”

Gale knew she was lying, but he nodded. They both knew the truth, and there was no sense pushing her to speak it out loud. He’d been expecting her to become silent, only having a conversation if he pushed for it. Instead, she spoke in a nervous rush.

“Why didn’t you come visit then if you wanted to see me so badly?”

Gale let out a slight laugh. He’d have thought that would be obvious. He’d done his part by coming back to District 12. That was a big enough sign that he was ready to see Katniss. He wanted her to show that she was ready too. He hadn’t wanted to force his presence on her, but he seemed to have done so anyway. He wished he felt sorrier than he did.

Gale decided he should tell her the truth. “I figured you didn’t want to see me if you were avoiding the woods. It would have been useless to show up at your house.”

He knew from the look on her face that he was right. If he’d knocked on the door of Peeta’s house he would have been left standing there by himself while Katniss pretended she wasn’t at home. Even if they both knew differently. In fact, the house that Gale still automatically thought of as Peeta’s and Peeta’s alone was probably the worst place they could have come face to face again for the first time in more than a year.

Things fell silent between them as neither could think of anything to say. Gale was sure that Katniss wanted nothing more than to leave, but she wouldn’t. Now that she’d been faced with him, she would stick it through. He just wished she didn’t look so uncomfortable in front of him of all people. He’d used to know her better than anyone. Maybe he still did, but he couldn’t know for sure.

“How’s Johanna?” Katniss asked.

Gale contained his laughter but smiled as he thought about the woman. Katniss knew the answer to that question. She and Johanna had been in frequent communication with each other since they were in District 4 more than six months ago. There was nothing Gale could tell Katniss that she hadn’t already heard. Johanna would have revealed everything that she wanted Katniss to know.

Even though the two women spoke, Gale wasn’t sure how much Katniss had put together about his and Johanna’s relationship. He knew that Johanna hadn’t gone into any specifics because she thought Gale should be the one to do that. However, Johanna had said she thought Katniss had mostly figured it out for herself. Looking at Katniss now, Gale figured Johanna was probably right.

“Fine, I suppose,” was the answer he settled on. “Pain in the neck to work with, honestly, but I assume she’s happy.”

That much was all true. Even as Gale’s feelings for Johanna developed, she’d continued to be quite a pain at times, and he knew she was happier now than she had been in the past. He was proud of that, even if he wouldn’t say as much to Katniss. Not now at least. It wasn’t that he felt she shouldn’t know about him and Johanna. That was pointless when she seemed to already. It was just that he wanted to keep this initial meeting about the two of them as much as possible. It was their friendship that he was concerned about at the moment.

Katniss nodded. “I’m happy for her.”

Gale could tell that it was true, and he wouldn’t have doubted it anyway. Based on what Gale heard from his mother, neither he nor Katniss had any reason to be jealous of the other’s relationship. Gale would have thought it laughable two years ago, but he knew that Peeta Mellark was who Katniss needed. He wouldn’t have chosen for her to be with anyone else, not even himself. Not anymore at least. He thought Katniss must feel the same way about him and Johanna.

“Your family’s been good too, but I guess you already knew that,” Katniss continued. She was sheepish, as if Gale would fault her for spending time with his family when he had never even stopped to consider that she wouldn’t. He would have been far more upset if Katniss had acted like she’d never cared for his family at all. He knew they were nearly as important to her as they were to him. Many times Hazelle had been more motherly towards Katniss than Katniss’s own mother had been.

“Mom said you visit a lot. Thanks for that.”

Katniss’s eyes snapped up to meet his in surprise. “Of course I visit. I could never just leave your family.”

Gale nodded to show his understanding. It was how he already knew Katniss would feel. They’d begun walking along through the woods now, side-by-side like old times. The air was chilly as winter began to make its way to the district, but Gale didn’t feel as cold as he should have. Something about having Katniss by his side again had him far warmer than he would ever have been otherwise.

“How’s Mellark?”

Asking that question might have been pushing the boundaries a bit. Things had only started to feel comfortable between them again, and now Gale was bringing up a known point of awkwardness between them. Gale didn’t want it to be awkward for them anymore though. Peeta was a good man, and Gale was happy for both Katniss and Peeta. He wanted to form a friendship with the Peeta that he had held off from in the past. Peeta was also friends with Johanna after all. Things were going to have to change eventually, and Gale knew Katniss would never broach the topic of Peeta with Gale herself. He had to do it.

Sure enough, Katniss internally debated her answer before she spoke, as if she was worried she would say too much and upset Gale. Gale wished he could have assured her that she shouldn’t worry without actually saying so. He didn’t want to directly bring up the more problematic events of their past yet, which meant not directly mentioning the drama that had ensued as a result of him and Peeta both having feelings for Katniss, but not wishing to bring it up didn’t mean Gale was any less over it. He wished Katniss could see that.

“Good,” Katniss said. “We, uh, the two of us went off our medication last month, so that’s progress, I suppose.”

She was keeping things about Peeta vague by using his question to deliver news about herself too, but that didn’t make Gale any less happy to hear the news. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t worried about Katniss’s mental state over the past year. He knew she’d be fine. She was strong and could get through anything just like she always had. But he also knew that she’d been in a terrible state back in District 13, and Prim’s death had only worsened it. Sometimes Gale still couldn’t help feeling guilty over it. Hearing that she was doing better was fantastic news.

He couldn’t speak of his guilt to Katniss. That was one thing he never wanted to bring up again, especially not when they’d just started talking again. He nodded, something he’d been doing a lot of since he started talking to Katniss. “That’s great. I really am glad to hear that you two are doing well.”

He hoped Katniss could tell how much he meant that, and he hoped she picked up on the fact that he’d included Peeta in the sentiment as well. She still didn’t seem to fully believe that Gale wished the best for the other man.

Katniss smiled up at him, and Gale was thankful to see that she seemed to understand exactly what he meant. “Thanks. I’m glad you’re doing well too. A fancy military job. That’s pretty nice.”

Gale smiled in amusement at the phrase she used to describe his job. He never would have thought of it as fancy, especially not when he was hunched over blueprints for hours on end, but it was a source of pride for him. Not many soldiers got to do what he did, and Gale was still younger than many of the recruits that came in. Only a couple of years over the legal recruitment age and he already held a rank. He never would have thought it possible back when he was living in District 12. He never would have thought anything in his current life would be possible back when he was living in District 12.

“I guess it is. I was pretty surprised to be offered it, so I couldn’t bring myself to turn it down.”

Gale thought back to the day he’d been offered the position. It had been Paylor who had approached him, and Gale had been shocked. He’d interacted with the woman before, and he knew he’d made a good impression. Still, he hadn’t expected the position that he’d been given. He hadn’t even been sure he would stick with the military until it had been offered to him so earnestly. Now he couldn’t imagine what he would be doing otherwise.

“It was for the best,” Katniss said.

Gale knew she meant his move to District 2, not the job itself, and she was right. Gale wasn’t sure if Katniss was entirely aware how right living in District 2 had been for him. It had righted his life in a number of ways that District 12 never could have done.

“It was,” he agreed. This was as good an opening as any of discuss what neither of them wanted to bring up but had to discuss eventually. “And I think we need to talk about that too.”

He stopped walking and took a deep breath to prepare himself for what he was about to say. Katniss turned to face him with anticipation, not ready for this conversation anymore than he was. Gale wanted to avoid it, but if it was still creating this much visible tension, they needed it out in the open before their friendship had any hope of repairing itself.

“Katniss, I have to address it. I know you don’t want to, but I have to say it out loud.”

Gale watched as she frowned, but she didn’t attempt to stop him from saying what needed to be said, realizing like he did that it had to be done eventually. He had to get this out in the open so that she would know exactly where he stood when it came to the two of them.

“When I went to District 2, I was mad at you. I was mad at everyone actually. But having space from you did exactly what I had hoped it would do. I just want you to know that I don’t resent any relationship that you have with Peeta. Not one bit. You did good actually, and so did he. I can accept that, and now, I can even be happy for you. But you’re still my best friend, and I still miss having you in my life. I would really like if we could be friends again.”

Katniss hesitated, and Gale suddenly became worried that she was about to shoot him down, that she didn’t want to be friends anymore, that she thought she’d be better off without him in her life.

Just as she was about to speak, Gale couldn’t stop himself from jumping in and adding, “Before you turn me down, just remember that I’ll still be in District 2. I’m only asking that you put up with occasional phone calls and visits like you do with Johanna.”

Katniss smiled at him, and Gale instantly felt most of his worry fade away.

“I wasn’t going to say no, Gale. You’re my best friend too. We both needed space, not just you, but it’s been more than a year now. We both seem to have healed quite a bit and moved on, I think. I’d like to be friends again.”

Gale smiled widely and took a step towards her, closing the space that had been between them since she came across him earlier. She didn’t stiffen at all when his arms wrapped around her, and Gale took in the warm feeling of having his best friend so close to him again out here in the woods where they had originally formed their friendship. It struck Gale as somewhat ironic. Here they were in the exact place that had been the entire basis for their relationship, and they were reforming their relationship here once again. Gale had always liked these woods, even when the stakes had been so high during his visits here.

“Good,” Gale couldn’t help himself from murmuring into Katniss’s hair. “I’ve missed you, Catnip.”

He hadn’t been conscious of the old nickname slipping out of his mouth until the word was in the air. Katniss’s arms tightened around him as she heard it.

“I’ve missed you too, Gale.”

He was struck by the honesty in her voice. She wasn’t trying to hide how much she had missed him. Something that wasn’t common with the Katniss of the past. Maybe she was finally opening up more to the people that mattered. Gale wondered if that was the horrors of war putting things into perspective or something that was entirely Peeta Mellark’s doing.

Gale was reluctant to let go of her, but he had to eventually. They continued walking through the forest, which now felt even more familiar than it had before.

“Do you want to eat dinner with us?”

Katniss asked the question so suddenly that her voice startled Gale before he could take in the question. Katniss seemed just as surprised at herself because her eyes were wide as she waited for his response.

“With me and Peeta,” she clarified as if Gale wouldn’t know who “us” referred to. “Your family can come too. If you want.”

Gale watched her closely as he thought about whether or not that was a good idea. She hadn’t talked to Peeta about this after all. She’d only ran into Gale by accident. Would Mellark want Gale in his house? Let alone Gale’s entire family? It would have seemed unlikely if this were anyone else, but Gale knew Peeta had a knack for being a better person than most would ever expect.

That didn’t mean things wouldn’t be awkward. There was no way to avoid it being weird, at least at first.

“My brothers would eat everything in your house,” Gale pointed out.

“Nothing would make me happier to see,” she told him with a shrug.

That was true he supposed. She had helped keep them fed for so long that knowing they had food would be as much a relief to her as it was him. One extra meal for each of them wouldn’t be a strain on her and Peeta. That had been his only valid excuse, so Gale had no choice but to respond, “Okay, then. What time should I bring them around?”

Katniss smiled, happy about these plans even if they did have the potential to go over badly. They had the plans set in place by the time they left the woods later in the day. It had been nice to hunt together again. Nothing would ever compare to being able to walk through these woods with Katniss. Their hunting styles complimented each other well because they had developed side-by-side, and Gale was reminded of how easy hunting seemed when he had her with him.

As they carried their game back into town, Katniss offered him the same portions that she would have in the past, but he refused. The game wasn’t necessary to anyone’s survival anymore. He could have left it with his family, but he knew that they had enough now. In fact, they ended up with some of Katniss’s game more often than Katniss would admit if he were to ask her about it.

Katniss insisted that he deserved it, but Gale still refused. “Maybe so, but I can’t take anything back to District 2 with me, and from my understanding, you keep my family well fed.”

Katniss blushed as he pointed it out, revealing how true it was.

“Besides,” Gale continued. “I’m assuming I’ll be eating some of it tonight anyway.”

“Venison,” she stated as she looked down at the buck they had managed to kill.

“We taking it back to your house then?” Gale asked. “You can’t carry that all the way there on your own.”

She thanked him and accepted the offer although she looked a little worried about Gale going to the house. She had yet to actually say out loud that she was living with Peeta, and Gale didn’t think she knew for sure whether or not he had been told. She shouldn’t have been worried about his reaction to it, but he didn’t know how to say that to her.

Gale wondered if Peeta would be at the house. He’d seen Peeta at the bakery almost every day, and he assumed the man was still there now. He couldn’t be certain though, and he was almost as nervous about their initial meeting as Katniss was. Gale tried to remain calm. Peeta had never been rude to him, even when most people would have, and they had no reason to dislike each other now. Things would be fine between them with time. Gale was certain of that.

Katniss did seem startled as Gale walked towards Peeta’s door without any prompting from her. She recovered quickly though and led him into the space of the entryway. Gale had never been in here before, but it was very similar to the one the Everdeens had lived in with slight differences in the style of decoration. Katniss called Peeta’s name, but no one answered, causing both of them to breathe sighs of relief.

He followed her into the kitchen, which sat in the same location as the one in the house she’d been given several years ago. Gale couldn’t believe it had been that long. He left the meat with Katniss and then left, assuring her once more that he would be back with his family at the allotted time.

His mother looked at him expectantly when he entered their house. She seemed to know instinctively that today of all days he had finally run into Katniss.

“I saw her going towards the woods when I was in town at the bakery,” Hazelle offered as an explanation to his unspoken question. “And then I stuck around to keep an eye out with Peeta for the both of you to come back.”

Gale had to say he was surprised. He knew his mother had some sort of relationship with Peeta, of course, but he hadn’t expected them to sit around the bakery all day to keep an eye on him and Katniss. At least that meant that the man seemed to want Gale and Katniss to work everything out as much as his mother did.

“We’re going to eat dinner with them,” Gale informed her instead of commenting on her and Peeta’s spying habit. “Katniss invited all of us.”

“Wonderful,” Hazelle exclaimed. “The children are always so excited to see her and Peeta.”

It turned out that the kids really were excited. Gale wasn’t surprised about their eagerness to see Katniss, but he was a little shocked that they appeared to like Peeta almost as much. That wasn’t a bad thing. He just hadn’t been expecting it.

Gale was full of anticipation as they approached the Mellark-Everdeen residence later that evening. It was finally about to happen. He would come face to face with Mellark for the first time since things had changed so much. It wasn’t quite as nerve-wracking as speaking to Katniss had been, but he was still nervous. More than he hoped was visible to others, especially his siblings.

Peeta was the one to let them inside once they reached the house. He greeted Gale’s entire family warmly, saving Gale for last. Gale braced himself for any type of greeting and was pleasantly surprised when Peeta didn’t show the slightest bit of malice towards him.

Not surprisingly, Gale ended up being sat on one side of Katniss at the table while Peeta took the other. It felt a lot less awkward than Gale would have expected. At first, the conversation was kept going mostly by Hazelle and the children, but as time went on, everyone seemed to warm up to each other. By the end of the meal, Gale was talking with Peeta without any worry or awkwardness between them. It was nice. Gale could tell they were well on their way to becoming friends. Something that he hadn’t been positive was possible before.

As the Hawthorne family prepared to leave, Gale felt the need to say something to Peeta about the change that had occurred in their relationship. The younger boys were already out the door pelting snow at each other, and Gale’s mother was otherwise occupied with making sure Posy’s snow boots were fastened.

Gale turned towards Peeta, able to make out from the anxious looks Katniss was sending them from the corner of his eye. He reached out to grasp Peeta’s shoulder in a sign of friendship.

“You’re a good man, Mellark. I’ve always thought that, and despite our past, I’m glad she has you.”

Peeta didn’t break eye contact as he replied with seriousness, “Thank you.”

Gale was struck by the honesty of the statement. He nodded at the other man in understanding. They both wanted what was best for Katniss, and both were satisfied with what they were receiving from her. There was no more hostility, and there may have even been beginnings of friendship.

Gale waved goodbye one final time as he followed his family out the door. They’d made a lot of progress today. There was still catching up he had to do with Katniss about what had transpired over the past year and a half, and he had to forge an entirely new friendship with Peeta, but all of it was a start. Things were finally as they should be between the three of them. Johanna would be relieved when he told her. After all, she’d been pestering him to do this for months.


	19. Morning

_“Each day is a little life: every waking and rising a little birth, every fresh morning a little youth, every going to rest and sleep a little death.” - Arthur Schopenhauer_

Gale was a heavy sleeper. Johanna knew it came out of sharing a bed with his two younger brothers for most of his life, but it had carried over to his adult life away from his family as well. It was something that Johanna was abundantly thankful for. She didn’t have nightmares that caused her to thrash around often. Usually hers were of a more quiet sort, but when they did come, she was thankful that Gale would always sleep through them. He had yet to wake up during one no matter how hard she thrashed, and Johanna wondered if he even realized she had nightmares. He had to at least suspect. Johanna had too many other problems to never get nightmares, especially if you factored in the struggles she sometimes had with getting to sleep.

It wasn’t that she wanted to hide the nightmares from Gale. She’d realized that she was much better off sharing such things with him. It was just that she preferred recovering from the initial emotions stirred up from the nightmares alone.

She always felt better when she woke up and saw Gale beside her. His presence assured her that she wasn’t alone and his warmth provided a sense of comfort. She didn’t need him to be awake. Taking in the comfort she felt with him beside her was enough to calm her down on her own. It was easier than him waking up and causing Johanna to deal with him worrying about her.

Johanna glanced out the small window that was just passed the foot of the bed. The first rays of the morning light had begun to shine through. Gale was a natural early riser, often waking with the dawn, so Johanna knew it was only a matter of time before he opened his eyes. She would lie a bit by saying she’d woken up on her own before he did. She had of course. She would just leave the nightmare bit out.

Johanna tilted her head to watch Gale as he began to stir. He woke slowly every morning. Johanna had watched the process enough times by now to know the steps it would take. Even when she didn’t have nightmares, her light, restless sleeping often had her awake earlier than Gale.

His eyes opened right when Johanna expected them too, and they immediately searched for her until locking onto her eyes with increasing awareness of his surroundings.

“You’re awake,” Gale greeted, sleep causing his voice to crack from lack of use.

Johanna hummed in confirmation. She was always reluctant to speak after waking. The first words of the day seemed the hardest to get out, so she avoided it for as long as she could.

Gale stretched but didn’t make any effort to get out of bed. He strained his neck to look at the clock.

“What time do you have to work?” he asked.

Johanna answered, not relishing the feeling of speaking again after hours of silence. “Not until this afternoon. I’ll probably be there until late. We’re starting a big assignment.”

“I guess we should make the most of our morning then.” Gale ran a hand gently down Johanna’s arm, causing goosebumps to erupt.

“Do you not have to work?” she asked in confusion. There was rarely a morning where Gale didn’t go in as early as he could get away with it. He was a morning person and enjoyed getting as much work done as he could early in the day while others were still pumping themselves full of caffeine.

Gale let out a noise of contentment, eyes falling briefly shut before answering. “Nope. Today I get a day off.”

He hadn’t had one of those in a while. Mostly because he refused to take them. His trip to District 12 was his last true time off. Even on days he wasn’t scheduled to work he would often find ways to do work. He never wanted to just lay in bed for the entire morning. He said it was lazy to start your day off that way.

“What have you done to Gale Hawthorne?” Johanna asked jokingly.

Gale chuckled, eyes still closed as he laid there, but he didn’t seem to be planning to sleep.

“Tobias,” Gale said. Johanna was confused until she placed the name as that of one of Gale’s superiors, who Gale would never call by their first name while working. “He said some soldiers who work with me had expressed concern because I work too hard. I think it was Aria who made them all say something. She’s always complaining that I’m going to work myself to death, which shouldn’t even concern her because it’s me and not her. Anyway, I’ve been strictly ordered to not work for at least one day or I’ll face consequences.”

Johanna was thankful for it, even if she understood Gale’s incessant need to always be working.

“Who knew working so much would get you in trouble at work,” she commented wryly.

“Yeah, well, it wouldn’t be so bad if you were off too,” he said, opening his eyes. “I just don’t know what I’m going to do with myself once you leave.”

“You do have other friends, Hawthorne,” she pointed out while aiming a quick poke to his stomach.

“Yeah, friends who all work on weekdays.”

“I don’t work until the afternoon. Some of them have got to get off not too long after I go in. If they’re not, you could always hunt. You haven’t done that in a while.”

Since he hunted with Katniss if they were going to be specific about it. Johanna thought that something about hunting with his old hunting partner on his old hunting grounds had made Gale less eager to do so here. No matter what the cause, he hadn’t been particularly thrilled with hunting recently.

“I could,” he allowed.

Johanna pressed closer to his side, causing him to look at her instead of the ceiling he’d been staring at. “You’ll figure something out, I’m sure,” she said, trailing a hand along his abdomen.

Gale hummed in agreement, eyes closing as he relaxed under Johanna’s touch. They still hadn’t slept together, but something had happened recently that caused them to be more open with their touches than ever before. For a long time, neither seemed to touch the other when they weren’t kissing. They’d been too worried that they were overstepping some sort of bounds. Now they seemed to be constantly touching each other somehow, whether it was sexual or not. They’d even begun holding hands occasionally, which would have caused Johanna to scoff in the past.

Gale rolled over onto his side to look at Johanna closely. “I suppose the more pertinent question is: what are we going to do until you have to go to work?”

Johanna smirked. “We’re already in bed. I could think of some ways to utilize it.”

Gale didn’t answer, just positioned his body over hers and leaned down to kiss her. Johanna pulled him closer, sinking farther into the bed that she would stay in all morning.


	20. Loneliness

_“Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.” - Bertrand Russell_

Being a victor was technically something Johanna had brought down upon herself, but when it’s a choice between survival and dying, no one could be expected to think about what comes after the survival. The least of a victor’s worries was getting dressed up and paraded around like a trophy, but it didn’t stop Johanna from despising that aspect as well as everything else.

The dressing up didn’t bother her much. In fact, she would have enjoyed it if it weren’t for the ulterior motive. Putting on pretty dresses that she never would have been able to get near if she weren’t a victor could be fun, as could getting your makeup put on by professionals, but Johanna was never able to get it out of her mind that she was being dressed up this way to present an image, to make a government she despised look better.

It wasn’t quite the same now. The current government actually had Johanna’s support, and they had yet to do anything to raise her anger. She also hadn’t been ordered here; she’d been requested. It had been a forceful request, but she hadn’t worried for the lives of those around her if she refused. She hadn’t worried about much of anything happening if she refused, yet she was here. Johanna wasn’t entirely sure why that was as she was still being paraded around as a show of support in a way that was too familiar to be enjoyable.

If she was being honest with herself, a big part of choosing to come was just to annoy Gale. He hadn’t considered accepting his invitation until Johanna stressed that she was going and that he had to come along. He was sitting on the bed in Johanna’s guest room now, fiddling with his tie. She’d never seen him in one before, and it was clear there was a reason for that. He looked like he was being strangled.

“You’re only pulling it tighter,” she chided as Gale tugged on the tie.

He had needed help tying it from one of Johanna’s prep team members who had only left the room a few minutes ago. As a victor, she was still being fixed up by them for Capitol appearances, but Gale didn’t have that service, for which he was extremely thankful. He’d been at a loss with the tie though and showed up at Johanna’s door in desperation just as her prep team was finishing up.

Gale frowned at her. “I don’t think it can get any tighter.”

Johanna watched him continue to mess with the tie, only messing up the knot that had been created for him.

“Hold on,” Johanna said, moving over to where he sat. She had no personal experience with ties, but she had seen others wear them in the past. She had least knew enough to know how to loosen them. She pulled on the tie the way she had seen others do, and it no longer seemed to be constricting Gale’s neck.

“I still feel like I have a noose around my neck,” Gale commented, rubbing where the tie had been pressing.

“I imagine,” Johanna agreed, taking in the piece of fabric that probably could have been used for that very thing.

At least her own outfits were usually quite freeing around the neck area. Few items given to her by stylists were capable of that sort of restriction. Johanna glanced in the mirror at the dress she’d been put in to make sure everything was in place before they left the room.

“You look really great,” Gale assured her.

She smiled at him through the mirror. “Thanks. You do too, you know.” She turned around to face him. “A tux sort of suits you, even when you’re frowning in discomfort.”

Gale’s frown deepened at her words. “I feel stiff.”

Johanna nodded. “That’s how you’re supposed to feel at these things. You’ll get used to it. Come on.”

She held out her hand for him to take as he stood from the bed. It felt nice to do so and know that their friends from outside of District 2 had a chance of seeing it soon. They’d discussed how they were handling their relationship with the others before leaving home. They had yet to admit it in so many words, although Johanna knew everyone suspected. The final decision was to just act like they always did around everyone back in District 2. Johanna thought Gale felt as awkward about publicly declaring any sort of affection as she did. They both felt better letting it come out on its own.

They grasped each other’s hands for the entire walk to the ballroom that housed the party for the most important people. A large window overlooked a courtyard where the “normal” citizens had been permitted to gather. It looked far funner out there, but Johanna knew their best bet of finding their friends was staying in here. Besides, it wouldn’t do for one of the esteemed guests to disappear so quickly.

Johanna had to practically drag Gale through the crowd. He was uncomfortable with the amount of rich, fancily dressed people surrounding him, and Johanna didn’t blame him at all. She had just become better at ignoring her discomfort.

They had circled half the room when Johanna spotted Katniss and Peeta on the other side of a tightly packed group of people.

“Thank God,” Johanna exclaimed louder than was polite as she began pushing her way through the people, pulling Gale along behind her. He apologized quietly to the affronted people as they passed, but as soon as they saw it was Johanna Mason who had pushed them, the affluent citizens quelled their anger and returned to their conversations without a word.

Peeta and Katniss heard the commotion Johanna created and watched the pair as they emerged from the sea of people. The other couple tried to stifle their laughter as they watched Gale and Johanna appear, but Johanna wasn’t sure if that was from their somewhat dramatic appearance or Gale’s continued discomfort as he shifted nervously next to Johanna.

“Hey,” Gale greeted them, still messing with the tux he wore because he wasn’t happy with how it fit.

“Gorgeous here is a real celebrity,” Johanna informed her friends, using an old nickname that she only brought out when they were in front of others and she wanted to embarrass Gale. “When he got his invitation, he didn’t want to come. Insisted that no one would miss him no matter what part he’d played in the war, but we’ve been stopped at least five times by his airhead fangirls. Do you know how many times we’ve been stopped because of me, a former victor? None.”

It was true. They would have found Katniss and Peeta much sooner if several girls hadn’t stopped them. Gale shifted next to her again in embarrassment, and she remembered with amusement how shocked he had been each time it happened. This, of course, was all after she’d struggled convincing him to come because he didn’t understand why he, of all people, had been invited.

“I’m sorry?” Peeta joked, just as amused as Johanna. Katniss, too, had a grin on her face as she imagined the scenario.

Johanna let out a faux huff and dropped Gale’s hand in order to cross her arms across her chest. “It’s not that I care about these people. I just don’t want Hawthorne to let it go to his head.”

“I think I’ll be okay,” Gale informed her. She glanced over at him for the first time since they had found their friends. He was smiling down at her with a hint of amusement and also admiration that seemed to strike her at that particular moment. It wasn’t the first time she’d received the look from him, but Johanna still didn’t know how to react to it, which made things difficult when they were in public.

After a moment of being flustered, Johanna huffed in annoyance and turned away so she would no longer have to see the look.

“Is Annie here?” Peeta asked, ending Johanna’s fumbling attempts to not let her guard down in a crowd of people. “I heard she was supposed to get in right before the ceremony and leave right after.

Johanna nodded. “I haven’t seen her since it started, but we spoke for a few minutes when she first got here a few hours ago. She’s anxious about having left Miles with Mrs. Everdeen. First time they’ve been apart and all that.”

“We should probably check on her,” Peeta said, voice taking on a tone of protectiveness. “Make sure she’s alright.”

They all agreed and set off to find the other victor in the crowd. Katniss seemed a bit annoyed when they passed Haymitch drunk as ever, but as Effie Trinket seemed to be working on controlling him, they didn’t stop to say anything. They found Annie in a corner where she had wrapped her arms around herself as if they were a barrier of protection. She had been changed into a sea green dress since Johanna saw her earlier that afternoon, but the woman clearly felt uncomfortable in the fancy material.

“It’s been so long,” the woman said as soon as her friends had found her. “I’m not used to this sort of thing. Even after my games I mostly got out of it after the first year, and Finnick’s not here this time either.”

Peeta took the initiative to step forward and offer Annie a hug. She visibly relaxed thanks to the comfort, wrapping her arms around him as well.

“We’ll stay with you,” Peeta assured her, and Annie looked up at him with immense relief.

“Thank you,” she replied, her voice rife with a sincerity not often heard.

Gale led them all over to the food not long after that, grumbling about how “if I have to be here I’m going to take advantage of it.” He’d never been to a Capitol function like this, and Johanna watched with amusement as he took in the sheer amount of choices in front of him. Even after the initial shock, he wasn’t greedy as he piled food onto his plate, at least not in comparison to others around him, and he kept a wide berth from the vomit-inducing drinks that the Capitol citizens were so fond of using.

The entire group managed to find an empty table when one was vacated right as they walked by on their search. Johanna wondered if it was coincidence or an instance of the intimidation victors posed on others. Either way, they made the table theirs for the rest of the night with Haymitch, Effie Trinket, and several other people Johanna knew from a passing glance coming by and speaking to them for short amounts of time.

With so much going on, the end of the night came upon them quickly; something that was surprising to everyone in the group. Annie’s train back to District 4 was set to leave soon after the party ended, and not wanting to let her walk through the Capitol alone, all of them offered to escort her.

It was amusing to Johanna. Here the five of them were, dressed for a fancy Capitol party, and they were walking amongst Capitol citizens in their “normal” state of dress. It would have been stranger if the people around them actually looked normal, but the fact that the group didn’t stand out in clothes they wouldn’t ever choose to put on themselves for a normal day out was what really made Johanna laugh. Once they’d seen Annie off, the walk back to the Capitol building was taken at a leisurely pace. Johanna almost felt free in the Capitol for the first time.

Here they were walking through a city they’d all been enemies of less than two years ago, and all they were getting was a few awed glances here and there, almost all of which were directed at Katniss. The rest of them were largely ignored. Most people were too consumed with their own nights of fun to even realize the identities of those they passed.

In a feeling of freedom, Johanna had decided to take off her shoes. They were killing her feet, so she’d take the risk of stepping on something unpleasant. Something about the day had put her in a strange mood. Maybe it was being with every single one of the few people she cared about in the world for the first time since they had started meaning so much or maybe some of the glamour of the evening had actually meant something to her. At any rate, Johanna’s burst of energy had her trailing ahead of all the others and laughing at absolutely nothing. She would have felt ridiculous at other times, but right now she couldn’t bring herself to care, especially not when she glanced back and saw Gale smiling at her even though Katniss and Peeta had their eyebrows raised in confusion.

Even entering the Capitol building didn’t quell Johanna’s mood like it always had in the past. The place looked entirely different than it ever had before, and although she hadn’t been too fond of it before the party, she was starting to feel some admiration for the new design. She could pick up on the beauty of it all instead of the oppressiveness the old building had given off to her.

The four of them walked all the way to the visitor’s wing together, but once there, they had to go down different hallways. Katniss and Peeta were sharing a room, but with their relationship status not well-known to the entirety of Panem (yet), Johanna and Gale had been given separate rooms for their stay. Johanna figured the only reason they were down the same hallway was because the organizers knew they were both coming from the military base in 2.

The visitor’s wing had its own style in comparison to the rest of the building, and Johanna knew from seeing both her and Gale’s rooms that each room also had a slightly different style from the others. While Johanna had been given a deep, dark red room, Gale’s had much brighter colors that made him look out of place.

They reached Johanna’s door first. Her shoes were still dangling from her hand, and her uncharacteristic mood had yet to fade. She stopped in front of the door unsure of how to proceed. They’d been sharing a bed for more than a year now, yet being in a strange environment made inviting him in feel odd. Or maybe that was because of her current mood and not the Capitol at all.

Gale had been watching her closely all night, and something about that had affected her. It wasn’t that it was totally unlike how he was in District 2, but it did feel different here. This entire night was a reminder that Gale wasn’t some secret she only got in District 2 but would lose anywhere else in the world. He was intricately wound up in her life, not someone that disappeared based on circumstance or location.

Here they were in the Capitol and not once during their entire trip had Johanna been worried that he would be snatched from her or murdered for some senseless display of power. And that’s what she’d been worried about really. What had been holding her back.

She’d been standing with her back to the door of her room just watching Gale throughout this entire train of thought. Gale looked back at her without saying a word as if he knew how big the thoughts swirling around in her mind were.

Finally, not paying any attention to the fact that they still stood in the middle of the hallway, Johanna took a step forward, grasped the ends of Gale’s tie, and pulled him towards her. Their lips met in a frantic kiss, one that held something far different than their usual kisses, and Johanna was filled with a sense of anticipation that she’d always tried to push away in the past. Now she let it consume her as she prepared to let go of her fears for good.

Johanna was only vaguely aware of feeling for the doorknob and backing into the room she’d been given to use. As soon as the sound of the door closing broke the air, Gale pulled away to look at her.

“Johanna,” he whispered quietly as if saying anything louder would break the moment. He said it questioningly, and Johanna knew exactly what he was wondering.

She nodded. “I’m ready,” she assured him.

“Here?” he asked in slight disbelief. “Of all places?”

“I think this is exactly what I needed. To be here and have some sort of confirmation that our government isn’t out to make my life a living hell anymore. I don’t have to be afraid of losing what’s important to me.”

She was still afraid of course. Johanna thought she always would be. She had yet to tell Gale she loved him for one, and she didn’t know if she’d ever be able to allow herself that or even allow herself to hear it from him. That was the ultimate fear. For now though, she could do this. She could give herself to Gale in this way and get him back in return and not feel utterly terrified that he’d disappear the next day. The thought was exhilarating.

Johanna had thought she’d never be able to give herself in this way again, but here she was giving far more than she ever had in the past. This wasn’t something they were doing only for pleasure, for fun. This was something they’d been working towards for a long time. Something that meant more to Johanna than she had ever wanted it to. Her entire body filled with anticipation as Gale’s lips trailed down her neck with more purpose than they ever had before.

They may not have been the entire way there, and maybe someday Johanna would be ready for the word “love” to enter into it. For now, she had never felt more content and happy with where her life was and who she had built it with. That was enough for now, and it was definitely enough for tonight.


	21. Sweet

_“It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all.” - Laura Ingalls Wilder_

Logically, Johanna had always known that sex wouldn’t change much of her and Gale’s relationship. However, she hadn’t expected their first time to take place in a wildly different place that led the entire thing to feel like it almost hadn’t happened. It had, of course. Johanna never really doubted that when she could still remember Gale’s touch on her skin, but a part of her had struggled to connect sex with reality when they first returned to District 2. It was almost as if they had two first times: one in the Capitol and one during their first night back on the base.

Sleeping with Gale was wholly unlike anything she had done with the boy from her past. That boy had previous experience before Johanna, but he’d still been inexperienced enough to be unaware of what exactly he was doing whereas Gale seemed to know exactly what to do. That wasn’t to mention the new emotional level things reached with Gale, which had been what terrified Johanna the most in the first place.

Johanna wasn’t one of those people who thought sex had to automatically mean exposing yourself or letting part of your soul open to the other person. She’d had the meaningless, just for fun sex before, obviously. She’d always told herself that the only reason she was avoiding sex with Gale was because of her irrational fear for his safety, and that much was true. That was why she was caught off guard by how much closer she felt to him now that they were having sex. She hadn’t expected it, and now she had found a whole new terror.

More than ever she wanted to admit her feelings to him. He already knew how she felt. There wasn’t a doubt about that, but Johanna still had a strong urge to say it out loud and hear him say it back. But that was the final straw. Once the word “love” was exchanged, Johanna would officially declare Gale as the most important person in her life, and even now she held onto the fear that everything she loved she lost soon after.

Johanna turned on her side to watch Gale as he continued to sleep. Both of them had the day off. In the past, their days off had fallen on the same days fairly often, but now they coordinated it on purpose. Johanna wasn’t sure why they hadn’t before. It was at least partially because of Johanna’s continued persistence to put some sort of distance in their relationship. She’d never noticed many of the small ways she did it before now, but she was finally working on realizing them all and working against them.

Their work schedules weren’t the only thing that had changed. Two weeks ago they’d each moved from their single bedrooms in the barracks to an apartment. They’d only been back in District 2 for a couple of days when Gale broached the idea of applying for one with her. He’d been thinking about it for a while, which made sense considering they’d been sharing a bedroom for far longer than a year, but Johanna had honestly never given it any thought. It did make sense though, and it was far more convenient. Johanna hadn’t let her feelings of fear get in the way of saying yes, and it had been easier than expected to turn in the application and be given the one bedroom apartment in the building used for all childrenless couples living on the base.

They had a kitchen now and a living room. Johanna was no longer living in a single room with one extremely small attached bathroom. This was more like a home. A home where she lived with Gale. She hadn’t realized how few things she owned until she’d had more space to fill. Even with Gale’s things, they didn’t have much, and the entire area felt empty. With all the time they typically spent outdoors, neither had bothered with senseless decorations in their old rooms, but it had felt important to make this place seem like a home.

Johanna had poked a lot of fun at Gale when he dragged her shopping for said senseless decorations, but she had to admit that she liked it too. They’d been together quite a while now, but it took moving into this apartment for Johanna to fully realize that they were starting an entire life together. She wasn’t stopping it anymore, and that was an unexpectedly wonderful feeling.

Johanna took one last look at Gale’s sleeping form before she got out of the bed, careful not to jostle him awake. She wasn’t going to sleep anymore, and her stomach wasn’t letting up on its grumbling.

She hadn’t bothered with clothes as she walked into the kitchen and rummaged around for some fruit which didn’t take any effort to fix. She’d forgotten how convenient having a kitchen of your own was until she had one again. Johanna vowed to never give up the freedom of having food around whenever she wanted it and being able to pick what she ate for every meal. The mess hall food could have been worse, but the lack of choice made it hard to eat every single day.

Johanna hadn’t noticed that she was humming to herself at first. It was a new habit she had developed only after moving into the apartment due to a combination of thicker walls to avoid being heard and a stronger sense of contentment with her life. She’d sang along with her music occasionally in the past when in a particularly good mood, but the humming seemed to happen almost constantly if there wasn’t someone, usually Gale, around to talk to. It also didn’t require any music to already be playing. Instead, it broke the silence on its own.

She was stirring some sugar into her coffee, already halfway done with a banana, when she heard Gale enter the kitchen behind her. Johanna didn’t bother to stop her humming, and Gale didn’t say a word as he stepped up beside her at the counter and poured his own cup of coffee. The sound of them each moving around the kitchen was calming to Johanna, who had never expected for her life to reach this point of normalcy. This was different than going to the dining hall together in the mornings after spending the night in Gale’s room.

Johanna watched Gale fix his coffee from the corner of her eye, and she already knew he would take it black. She liked to tease him about it being a way to assert his masculinity. He was almost certainly going fix toast for his breakfast and choose the strawberry jam out of the two jams they had in their fridge. The grape jam was Johanna’s favorite. They were disgustingly domestic.

“It’s nice,” Johanna commented as Gale took a seat across from her at their small kitchen table.

“What is?” Gale asked, looking up from spreading his jam across his toast.

“Us, this apartment, our lives now,” Johanna said. “It’s nice.”

Gale smiled as he screwed the lid back onto the jam jar. “It didn’t just suddenly become nice,” he pointed out. “I, personally, think it’s been that way for quite a while.”

Johanna frowned in thought. “It has, I guess. I’ve just noticed it more recently than I ever did before.”

“Since we had sex or since we moved in here?”

Johanna shrugged. “Both. I guess it all suddenly hit me at once.”

Gale nodded in understanding. “It kind of did me too, I think. We took things really slowly in the beginning and then sped everything up rather quickly.”

“In a good way though.” Johanna tossed her banana peel towards the trash can, giving herself a mental high-five when it made it in. “It’s like we caught up to where we should be.”

Except for the “I love you” part, but Johanna didn’t want to bring that up. They were just words anyway. Even if she couldn’t say it out loud, the sentiment was still there.

“There’s no particular way we’re supposed to be.”

Johanna looked up at Gale to see him watching her with a frown.

“I know that,” she clarified. “I don’t mean by society’s definition or anything like that. I just mean we’re finally where everything feels right. This is how we would have been a long time ago if I didn’t have so many problems.

Gale sighed and reached across the table to take Johanna’s hand. “You’ve got to stop blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault.”

Johanna shrugged. “If it helps, I blame Snow and the old Capitol for creating all of my problems.”

“I can’t blame you for that. In fact, I’m pretty inclined to blame them for most of my problems too. I just don't want you thinking that every single negative emotion you feel is from some sort of ‘problem.’ It’s okay to feel that way. Everyone does.”

“I know.” Johanna sighed. “But you have to admit that I have more of them than most people.”

“Maybe, but you’re not some giant screw up or whatever else you seem to think of yourself sometimes, Johanna. Besides, you’ve changed so much over the past two years. You’re not even the same Johanna who had to put up with the Capitol.”

“Maybe not, but Gale, you always seem to have such high expectations about how I am now.”

He looked at her in confusion, still firmly gripping both of her hands. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that sometimes you act like all of my problems have managed to vanish, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m still extremely messed up. Showers, for instance. I know you’re so proud that I can take them without any problems, but I’m a nervous wreck until I turn that shower off and possibly even awhile after that. Every single time I take one, I’m scared that that time will be when I break down again, but I don’t want to tell you that because sometimes I feel like it’ll disappoint you.”

Tears had begun to roll down her face while Gale watched her with a pained frown.

“I’d never be disappointed in you, Johanna, and I don’t expect you to suddenly be cured of everything you’ve struggled with.” He glanced around the room, taking his eyes off her for a second, and sighed before standing and tugging Johanna up. He silently led her into their living room and sat down in one of the chairs before pulling her onto his lap.

“I talk like I’m proud of you because I am,” Gale continued, hand skimming across the skin of her lower back in a comforting way as he talked. “That doesn’t mean I expect you to be perfect, Johanna. I don’t want you lying to me, but do you want the truth? I’ve always known that you’re still nervous around water. Your eyes get really wide, and I know you think you’re good at hiding it, but you’re really not, Johanna. I know there are times where you hold back from me because you’re still worried about what getting close to me will mean, and I know you still think about your family constantly, which only makes me wish even more that I’d known them. I also know that right now you’re freaking out because you’re realizing that I know you even better than you thought I did.”

He was right. Johanna’s entire body was trembling, and she thought it was a wonder that she was still capable of breathing. One of Gale’s hands continued to stroke her back while the other rested on her knee as a warm, comforting weight. If there had ever been a time when she wanted to say the word “love,” it was right now.

But she didn’t. She couldn’t, and for the first time, she knew that Gale didn’t only realize that she couldn’t say it. He also understood. That thought had her feeling light and far more confident in their relationship than she had felt before. Maybe they did understand each other far more than Johanna gave them credit for. They both knew how the other felt, and it almost made it seem like the issue of bringing the word “love” out into the open was irrelevant. So why was Johanna still so scared of saying it?

Gale placed a sweet kiss on her cheek, pulling her away from her thoughts and to her boyfriend underneath her.

“It’s okay, Johanna. It’s not perfect, but it is okay.”

She nodded because she knew it was true.

“Thank you,” she told him, looking him straight in the eyes. “Thank you for everything.”

And she leaned in to kiss him as further evidence of her thanks.


	22. Courage

_“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'” - Eleanor Roosevelt_

It took realizing how well Gale actually knew her for Johanna to realize how much she wished to know Gale the same way. That same realization caused her to realize that she actually knew him more than she had bothered to realize in the past. She’d been caught up in more superficial things, like knowing what his favorite jam flavor was, that she’d overlooked more important things, like how she knew his exact mood by taking one glance at his face or how she knew exactly what topics would bother him the most if she brought them up. That was all knowledge she’d gained passively over the past two years, and she hadn’t bothered to stop and think about it.

Johanna wondered when exactly this knowledge had come and why she didn’t feel burdened by it. She’d never held so much knowledge about another person before, not even her family, and she was surprised at how natural it felt to possess it. The knowledge wasn’t at all overwhelming like she would have thought.

The most startling aspect of this was Johanna’s realization that Gale was one of the most courageous people she knew. She’d always known he was brave. You had to be to fight in a war. Plenty of people had been in situations similar to his and hadn’t fought. Plenty more had starved to death in their district and not thought to deliberately break the law and feed themselves instead of following it and dying.

Johanna knew from talk that hunting in the woods outside of District 12 wasn’t something done by even a remote minority, and the fact that Gale was one of such a small group of people both smart and brave enough to use that resource said more about him than anything else Johanna could think of.

But these were all things Johanna had been aware of for a long time. What was startling now was her realization of all of the struggles Gale still faced. She’d known he’d suffered as much as everyone in Panem had. He’d had to provide for his family as a child, mourn his father’s death, lose his home, fight in a war, and countless other things he never should have experienced. All of that Johanna had known.

For some reason she’d always seen such sufferings as temporary, as things Gale no longer had to deal with. Only now was she seeing that was not the case. All of those things still hung over Gale’s head and haunted him every single day of his life, and they’d probably never disappear completely, just as Johanna’s never would.

This new outlook made Johanna realize how wrong she’d been thinking about things. She’d always been so afraid of being seen as weak around Gale because she never believed he would understand what she suffered. When, in reality, he understood it on a personal level she had completely overlooked. Gale’s experiences may not have been the same as hers, and they may not have been as bad from a logical standpoint. But Johanna had also realized that you couldn’t quantify suffering to the person who has suffered. Outsiders may have sided with Johanna’s lot in life as being worse than Gale’s, but for Gale, his personal suffering was as bad as he could imagine life getting, which meant it was as terrible as he could fathom it getting. Johanna didn’t think she should discount that.

It was almost ridiculous how this simple revelation caused her to feel even more connected to Gale than before. Their relationship just kept surprising her every day.

Knowing that Gale struggled at times too made Johanna feel far more comfortable around him when it came to her own suffering, and she was surprised at how much easier that made her entire life. She no longer tried to hide her trepidation every time she took a shower or pretend that certain things didn’t bring up painful memories of the family she had lost. Only then did she realize how amazing it felt to be so open about such painful things.

Before, Johanna had assumed that opening up so much would serve to constantly remind her of how much pain she held inside, but it surprisingly did the opposite. Knowing that she could talk about it with Gale lifted a weight off her shoulders that she hadn’t quite realized existed. Actually talking about it was even more freeing.

Never before had she felt closer to feeling okay again, and realizing that Gale Hawthorne wasn’t as okay as she’d always made herself believe was a huge factor in that. She almost felt bad that viewing Gale as weak made her feel stronger, but Gale had told her that wasn’t something to be ashamed of at all when she voiced the opinion to him. He’d worded her feelings as “feeling better because you’re able to relate to someone,” which made sense she supposed and really was a better way of looking at it.

Johanna supposed the entire thing boiled down to her and Gale sharing more than she’d even realized. There was very little they didn’t share at this point. They probably could have been married and no one outside the two of them would notice the difference. Johanna would though. Legally binding yourself to someone, stating your attachment to that person to the government like a blazing neon sign that you cared about each other, was still far more daunting than Johanna could even process. Someday, maybe, but she couldn’t deal with that now.

For now, Johanna and Gale were truly struggling through life together for the first time, and that, Johanna thought, had some sort of cruel beauty to it that made the struggles they faced less than what they had been previously. And that was a pretty nice thing.


	23. Grandparents

_“One curious thing about growing up is that you don't only move forward in time; you move backwards as well, as pieces of your parents' and grandparents' lives come to you.” - Philip Pullman_

Johanna groaned from her place on the floor next to the toilet, but it wasn’t from the agony of having just vomited what seemed to have been the entirety of her guts out. No, she was groaning for an entirely different, much worse reason.

“Do you think it’s something you ate?” Gale asked with a hint of worry coloring his voice. He’d gone to the kitchen to get a glass he could fill with water, and he handed it to her now. Johanna took a sip before shaking her head.

“It’s not that.”

“Then what could it be? You were fine until you got up and started eating breakfast.”

Johanna looked up at him, wondering if now would be a good time to tell him what had been plaguing her for a while now.

“I’m two weeks late.”

At first Gale’s forehead scrunched up in a frown as he considered what she could possibly have been supposed to do two weeks ago. Then, realization dawned, and he gaped down at Johanna.

“D-do you know for sure?”

“No.” She closed her eyes, leaning her head against the wall behind her. “I don’t want to have it confirmed.”

“Not taking a test isn’t going to make it go away, Johanna. It doesn’t magically poof out of your uterus if you don’t want to deal with it.”

“If only it did.”

Once she opened her eyes again, Gale was still standing there watching her closely. She watched as he came to a decision.

“Stay there,” he urged her as he moved towards the door. He glanced back to see her raised eyebrow. “I don’t mean on the floor. Just don’t leave the apartment.”

“Where are you going?” She followed him out into the living room, hand still on her stomach, willing for it to stop sloshing about so much.

“To get a pregnancy test. I think the infirmary on base has them.”

“They do.” She’d looked into it before she’d broken down and been unable to go through with it. “But I don’t think-”

“We have to know, Johanna.” He stopped from pulling on his boots to look at her. “This isn’t optional.”

She sighed. “I know.”

That didn’t mean she wanted to handle it.

Johanna made several more trips back to the toilet before Gale rushed back in the apartment out of breath with a pregnancy test in hand. He handed the box to her right away, and Johanna’s hands shook, making it difficult to open. She inspected the instructions included in the box and the foil wrapper that she knew contained the most important part. She knew what pregnancy tests looked like and how they worked, but she’d never actually seen one except on crappy Capitol television where they seemed to be a staple of the most dramatic shows.

She looked up from the stick to Gale, who was fiddling with the hem of his shirt due to nerves.

“Well.” Johanna breathed in deeply. “I guess I should go pee on it.”

Johanna left the door open as she entered the bathroom, knowing that closing it would only increase both her and Gale’s anxieties. Her nerves made actually peeing on the thing much easier than she had expected it to be. Afterwards, she was careful to lay the test on the counter gently, but she couldn’t look at it. She turned to Gale, who had entered to the bathroom and was staring at the stick in awe as if it had already shown their future. He glanced at Johanna out of the corner of his eye and opened up his arms to her. She entered them thankfully, burying her face in his chest so she wouldn’t have to see the stick.

“How do we know when it’s done?” Gale asked.

“It just takes up to five minutes.” Her voice was muffled from his shirt.

“And if you’re pregnant?”

“It’ll turn pink.”

They didn’t say anything else as they waited for the allotted time to pass. Johanna focused on Gale’s breath, hoping for it to calm her, when she heard him take in a particularly loud breath and tense up beside her. She already knew what that reaction meant, but she turned to look at the pink pregnancy test anyway. At least she had been prepared for the result.

They each stared at the test for a ridiculous length of time before Johanna spoke. “Now what do we do?”

“You’ll have to see a doctor. As soon as possible too. Then we’ll figure out what to do from there.”

“Gale.” Johanna’s voice trembled. “Do you want this baby?”

Gale was surprised that she’d even asked the question, and he glanced over at her intently. “Yes.” He inspected her demeanor. “Do you?”

“I’m absolutely terrified. That’s all I know right now.”

He gathered her up in his arms again, finally pulling her gaze completely away from the test.

“Johanna, I think even people who plan to have kids are terrified when it actually happens. Hell, I was terrified when my mom was pregnant with Posy, and she wasn’t even my kid.”

“I don’t think they get terrified like this,” Johanna told him, tears welling up in her eyes.

“I think you’d be surprised.” He dropped a kiss to the top of her head. “Johanna, it was just confirmed less than a minute ago. We’ll make the doctor’s appointment, see what they have to say, take some time to adjust to the idea, and then figure it all out. Whatever happens, it’ll be okay.”

He was so sure of it, and Johanna had no idea how. Their entire lives had just been changed in a terrifying way, yet Gale’s voice sounded so proud, as if he’d just been given the greatest gift one could receive. Johanna pulled away far enough to look up at him and take in the love he was showing her as he looked down at her.

“I think I want to keep it.”

She watched the emotions flicker across Gale’s face as he processed her words. He finally settled on something akin to worried.

“Johanna, we don’t have to keep it just because you want me to be happy or something-”

“No, I want to keep it. For me as much as for you.”

“Not five seconds ago you were freaking out and unsure of everything.”

Johanna tightened her grip around his waist.

“Yeah, but I suddenly realized something.”

She looked up at him until he asked, “What’s that?”

“I really do feel safer than I ever have in my life, even when I was back in District 7 before my first games. I want to make myself feel safer, and the only way I’m ever going to do that is to get over my fears. This kid will be safe. They’re not going to be reaped or in the middle of a war or anything like that. Plus, I think you’d make a pretty great father.” She blushed, and Gale’s face erupted into a smile.

“You’d be a good mother too, Johanna.”

Johanna scoffed, but Gale pushed on.

“I’m serious. The biggest reason you pushed people away for so long was that you were worried about them, not yourself. That’s a pretty selfless thing if you ask me. You’re a very caring person, Johanna. Even if you never want to admit it. Just the fact that your biggest strike against having this baby is that you’re worried about their future shows that you already care.”

She did care, a lot, and that was scaring her too. This thing had only been growing inside of her for a month at the absolute most she guessed, and she had managed to grow attached in the two short weeks since she realized it might be in there. The feeling was utterly terrifying in a way Johanna had never experienced before, and she had thought she had already experienced the full scope of terrifying.

Johanna pulled away from Gale to look down at her stomach. It was still flat, not showing any signs of what was happening inside. Gale ran a hand along her abdomen as if feeling for any invisible changes.

“I can’t believe,” he whispered almost reverently as he pulled her shirt up far enough to stroke the skin there.

Johanna let out a wet, strangled sort of laugh. “Neither can I.”

Gale leaned down to kiss her hard, dropping his hand from her stomach and pulling her back towards his chest.

“We’ll have to tell my mom,” he pointed out in between kisses.

“Immediately after that doctor’s appointment,” Johanna agreed.

Gale completely broke away. “Shit. We have to schedule that.”

Johanna yanked on his collar to pull his head back down towards hers. “Later,” she murmured between kissing him. “We can do it later. We have all day. It’s still morning.”

Gale hummed in agreement, not letting their lips part long enough to get words out anymore.


	24. Ocean

_“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.” - Mahatma Gandhi_

The doctor confirmed the results of the test, and just like that Johanna’s and Gale’s lives had taken a drastically unexpected turn. That was an odd thing to say when very little had actually changed yet except Johanna throwing up frequently and putting on a bit of extra weight. Other than that, some paper work had been filed that changed Johanna’s status. If a war broke out during the duration of her pregnancy, she couldn’t be sent into the war zone. If it broke out after the child was born, either she or Gale would be required to stay. It was odd thinking that someone else’s survival relied upon her.

Gale also wanted to file paperwork in order to receive a new two-bedroom apartment on base, but Johanna was holding him off for as long as possible. She was dreading the day they actually had to pack up and move. They’d been in this apartment so briefly, yet it had come to feel so much like a home. The first one Johanna could remember having since she was a teenager. It seemed a shame to leave it behind, especially when the child would be sleeping in their room at first anyway.

They didn’t even have any baby things yet. Gale kept saying they might as well start buying it all now, but Johanna kept pushing it off just like the apartment. A part of her was unwilling to admit that this was reality. That she was going to be a parent. It seemed like far too much to process, even with the slight bump she had gained showing it was all true.

Johanna heard the door open and turned her head to watch Gale enter the apartment from where she sat on their couch, feet propped up on the coffee table. She’d been wondering where he was. They worked the same hours now, and their apartment sat closer to Gale’s office than Johanna’s. He was always here before her.

The box he carried seemed to partially answer her question.

“What is that?” she asked, dropping her feet from the table and sitting up to get a better look.

Gale smiled, setting the box on the table and sitting beside her.

“Baby things,” he told her. “My mom mailed some of the things she used for us when we were babies. I just picked it up from the post office.”

“She still had it? Knowing your mother, I would have thought she’d handed it down to someone else in District 12 who was pregnant and needed it.”

Gale shrugged. “She did with most of it, I think. This is all the sentimental stuff that she didn’t want to see out of the family.”

That had Johanna intrigued. She didn’t have anything like that from her family. If there had been at one time, she’d lost track of it after their deaths.

“Like what?” She scooted closer to the box with curiosity.

Gale didn’t answer her verbally, just shrugged as he pulled a pocket knife from his pocket and opened the box. A piece of paper covered the contents, and Gale unfolded it to read it briefly. Johanna could make out the usual greetings from Hazelle, and Gale didn’t spend much time looking at it, quickly setting it aside to focus on the other contents of the box.

Johanna picked up the discarded paper to read it for herself as Gale rummaged through what was in the box. Hazelle had included short descriptions of the items she’d included. Johanna’s heart fluttered as she read that the only outfit in the box had been the first one Gale had ever worn. She looked up to see that Gale had laid said outfit out on the table, and she tried to imagine him in it as a baby. She didn’t even know what he had looked like as a baby, and she doubted there were any pictures. There were none of Johanna’s family.

There wasn’t much in the box, confirming Johanna’s suspicions that most of it had been handed off to other families. The next thing was a small stuffed animal that Gale looked at fondly. Johanna didn’t need the paper to tell her it was something he’d played with as a child. It looked well-worn, as if all of Gale’s siblings had used it after him and cherished it. Imagining a young Gale carrying that thing around was even harder than picturing him in baby clothes.

The last thing to come out of the box was a pacifier. It looked newer than the clothes or stuffed animal, as if it had been used by Gale’s siblings but not Gale himself. Gale muttered “Posy” as he sat it down on the table, confirming Johanna’s suspicions.

The two of them looked over the three items they’d been gifted, letter still clutched in Johanna’s hand.

“Well,” Gale said. “It’s not much, but at least we’re started now.”

Johanna nodded with a small smile. “We’re no longer completely baby supply-less.”

It was odd how three such small things could make her feel happier than she had been before. This was the first real confirmation she’d had that they were going to have a baby. Everything before had been too abstract for her to process, but it was hard to deny what baby clothes, a toy, and a pacifier were meant to be used for. There was only one reason to own any of these things.

“I guess this is a sign,” Johanna continued. “It’s time to finally start buying stuff on our own.”

The concept didn’t seem as scary now that they had already been given things and the world hadn’t ended. It was still early in the pregnancy. Too early, in Johanna’s mind, to start getting everything, but she supposed picking up a few things now couldn’t hurt.

Gale’s smile was bright at the idea. “Jaden was telling me about a shop in town that they went to when his wife was pregnant. They specialize in children’s things. I was thinking maybe we could check it out?”

Johanna nodded her head in a passing acceptance. The idea of an entire store filled with nothing other than things meant for children still seemed intimidating. She thought she’d rather shop somewhere where she wasn’t completely surrounded in things of a foreign nature first, but she couldn’t deny that such a speciality store would probably come in handy.

She sighed as she leaned back into the couch, letting the letter fall onto the cushion beside her. Gale mimicked her position, and the two of them sat there in comfortable silence, newly acquired baby gear set out in front of them.

It seemed like every day Johanna became more and more comfortable with her life. She always thought that it had gotten as good as it could get, and then a moment like this would happen and she would realize that she hadn’t been quite as comfortable and happy yesterday was she was today. It overwhelmed her to think about what the future would hold if this kept up. The baby wasn’t here yet. Her and Gale weren’t even engaged or anything like that. There were still so many steps they’d be taking or at least had the option to take, and every single one of them seemed poised to make her happier. It was all too much to think about.

She turned her head to look over at Gale. He’d probably had a long day at work. He was usually a bit worn out when they were in the middle of a big new design like they were now. He’d reclined his head back to rest on the back of the couch and his eyes were closed, but a grin was still spread across his face as if he was incapable of removing it.

Johanna reached out to touch his arm, letting her fingers trail across it even though it was covered in fabric. Gale’s smiled widened, and he turned his head to face her, head still on the couch, before opening his eyes. She smiled back like she always did these days. Gale looking at her like that was just the only thing guaranteed to get a smile out of her. Johanna watched him for a moment, letting the emotions swirl around inside of her head. Here they were preparing for the birth of their child, happy as they could be, and Johanna still hadn’t worked up the courage to say it.

Her hands began to shake as she gathered her strength. Her hand firmly gripped Gale’s forearm, as if that would give her an extra boost to actually do it. As Johanna’s smile faltered and he felt the grip on his arm, Gale realized what she was about to say. His head lifted up from its resting place, and he placed a comforting hand on Johanna’s knee.

Johanna took a deep breath. “I love you,” she said before she could lose her nerve.

Gale just watched her, and Johanna’s heart sped up as she waited for some sort of response. Just as she was debating whether she should break the silence on her own, Gale surged forward and captured her lips with his. The kiss was heated, and Johanna felt a rage of emotions erupt inside of her as she let herself feel the full extent of each of their feelings for the first time. She wasn’t going to hide herself away anymore. Something she didn’t think she’d completely realized she was doing until she’d had the nerve to say the words.

Johanna was laying back on the couch, Gale over her, when Gale pulled away far enough to look her in the eyes and whisper, “I love you.” She could tell he was putting as much emotion as he possibly could into the words, and her heart swelled larger than she’d ever thought it was capable of being. Her stomach fluttered in a way that couldn’t be attributed to the baby.

It had taken her a long time, but Johanna was finally done running away.


	25. Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNING:** There is a trigger warning for this chapter. However, I know some people would rather not be spoiled than read a trigger warning, so the trigger warning itself will be in bold at the very end of the chapter. You can scroll completely down to see it before reading if you want.
> 
> This is the final chapter! Thank you for reading and reviewing! It's really great to know I finished the 100 theme challenge with this. It's also a bit bittersweet though. I've been working on one Hunger Games fic or another for several years now, and after this, I don't have any in mind for the near future. I'm going to miss work in this world.

_“Sad things happen. They do. But we don't need to live sad forever.” - Mattie Stepanek_

They’d been exchanging I love you’s for several weeks when Johanna felt the pain. It was in the same area of her abdomen where she would have typically felt period cramps, but she knew that couldn’t be it. Besides, this was much stronger and harder to handle. She’d been alarmed and about to rush to the hospital on base when she felt the wetness in her pants.

She’d known what it was without seeing it. She didn’t stop to actually look at the blood staining her pants as she rushed for a phone. There was no way to make it to the hospital. It sat on the other side of base, and the pain was becoming too crippling.

Johanna cried to the nurse who answered the phone. The first time she could remember showing so much weakness in front of a complete stranger. The nurse confirmed Johanna’s fears that she needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible, and knowing she couldn’t get there alone, Johanna immediately called Gale.

They were putting the finishing touches on their latest project. It wasn’t a time when he liked to be interrupted, but nothing about this was going to be something he liked.

Johanna wasn’t trying to stem the flow of her tears as she screamed at a secretary to get her boyfriend on the phone. Talking to Gale was even more difficult. As soon as she heard his voice through the phone, her sobs became stronger, and it took a tremendous effort to choke out, “The baby. Something’s wrong. I need the hospital. Help.”

She couldn’t go into more detail than that. She was losing the capability of speech even if she’d known how to drop it on him.

Gale was at their apartment in record time, showing speed Johanna hadn’t even known a human could possess. The blood had spread by then, soaking completely through the pants Johanna still wore. It was on her hands, too, from Johanna desperately trying to make it stop even when she knew it was pointless. Gale took one look at her and immediately knew what was happening, but he didn’t stop to talk. He wrapped his arms around Johanna and lifted her into his arms, holding her as they rushed across base to the hospital.

People stared at them in shock and slight fear as they hurried by, but neither Gale nor Johanna were paying the slightest bit of attention. Even while supporting all of Johanna’s weight, they managed to make it to the hospital faster than would be expected. Doctors were already prepared and rushed Johanna into a room where she was quickly given a gown and told to discard her ruined pants.

The pain had subsided now, but Johanna’s cries continued unabated. Gale’s own cheeks had clear tear tracks running down them, but he paid no attention to them as he focused solely on Johanna. He gripped her hands tightly as the hospital staff hurried around them, feeling at Johanna’s stomach and performing an ultrasound to look inside of her uterus. They each felt hopeless as they sat there waiting for their fears to be confirmed. Neither one had much hope that this had been a false alarm.

A doctor hovered something over Johanna’s abdomen that hooked up to a large machine with a screen. Neither Johanna nor Gale had ever seen an ultrasound machine, but they knew that was what it was. They both dejectedly watched the screen that neither could make any meaning out of.

“Your uterus is empty.” The doctor spoke quietly, pain in her voice even if it couldn’t come close to what Johanna and Gale were experiencing. “You’ve had a miscarriage,” she confirmed unnecessarily.

The room was quiet except for the continued noise from the machine. The doctor set to work turning it off as Johanna and Gale sat in silence, still clutching each other’s hands tightly.

The doctor paused at the door. “Take the time you need in here. You can leave whenever you’re ready. We’ll find a clean pair of pants that you can wear home, Ms. Mason. They’ll be at the nurses’ station when you’re ready for them.”

Johanna could do nothing but offer a slight nod without ooking in the doctor’s direction. A sense of dread came over her as the doctor shut her and Gale alone together for the first time since they’d gotten to the hospital. She couldn’t shake the fact that this had somehow been her fault, and she didn’t want to face Gale with that guilt on her conscience.

She let out a slightly deranged laugh. “Everything I love dies. I knew it. I should have known this would happen. Damn it!”

She slammed her hands down onto the mattress, making a loud smacking noise in addition to her loud verbal outburst. She couldn’t turn to look at Gale, who had moved one hand up to her hair to brush it away from her sweaty face. He moved from his chair to sit next to Johanna on the hospital bed, which was much smaller than the twin bed they used to share. Johanna felt his body pressing against the entire length of hers and hated herself for the comfort it gave her. She stiffened in his embrace.

“Don’t do this,” Gale muttered, burying his face in her hair. “Don’t pull away from me again.”

His voice held as much emotion as hers had, but Johanna couldn’t understand why he seemed concerned with her when they’d just lost their unborn child.

“But, Gale, how can you not see what’s just happened? I finally allow myself to completely love again, and then this happens.” She was beginning to sob too much to talk. “I don’t know what to do.”

She buried her face in Gale’s chest, and he held her tightly.

“You don’t close yourself off from me because that’s only going to make this harder, Johanna. Okay?”

He was right. She couldn’t lose Gale, not so soon after this. Not ever. She nodded into his chest.

“I want,” she mumbled before cutting herself off. She pulled away and brought a hand up to his face to make him look down at her. “I love you, Gale.”

He smiled down at her although his face still showed pain.

“I love you too, Johanna, and we will get through this. We still have the rest of our lives together. I’m not going anywhere. No matter how much this hurts right now, we’ll be okay.”

And somehow, Johanna believed him. She was done being scared that she would lose everything, even when she lost something as important as this. She still had Gale, and that hadn’t changed. It was worth holding onto for as long as she could, even if she got hurt again in the future. The only thing they could do was hold on with all their strength during the time they were granted, even if it made the losing part that much harder to take.

Slowly, the pain of the miscarriage would fade, and Johanna and Gale would continue to build their lives together. The pain of that day may have always stayed in the back of their minds with the rest of the suffering they’d had in their lives, but they could still be happy. That was probably the most important thing Johanna had ever managed to learn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING:** Miscarriage.
> 
> I really hope no one hates me too much...


End file.
